The issue of fairness.......

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Gabes-Apg
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The issue of fairness.......

Post by Gabes-Apg »

From Mark Nepo - book of awakening

As long as we see what has come to pass as being unfair;
we'll be a prisoner of what might have been

this is a very painful issue to dismiss for most of us, because so much of how we see the world hinges on a sense of fairness and justice, those truly noble human concepts that govern how we treat each other.
But the laws of experience in the natural world, in which we have no choice but to live, do not work this way. Rather, the larger universe, of which humankind is a small part, is a world of endless possibility and endless cycle, a world in which life forms come and go, a world itself that erupted and reformed countless times.
this is why the hindu tradition has a deity known as Vishnu, who both destroys and bestows life, often in that order. Although fairness and justice are beautiful gravities by which we as human creatures try to live with one another, the storm and the germ, the termites eating the foundation of your home, the errant stone breaking your windshield, the wave swamping your little boat - these molecules of experience do not understand what is fair.
they just bombard us in the endless cosmic dance of life that just keep happening.
When I was struggling with cancer, I was asked repeatedly to release my anger at the injustice of having cancer. Quite honestly, I felt a great many things, fear, pain, anxiety, frustration, uncertainty, exhaustion - but I did not feel that having cancer was unjust.
When was I or anyone promised perfect health? An ant can struggle for yards with food in its mouth only to have a dead limb tired of hanging on, crush it. What makes us human beings presume to be exempt from such things??

I know now that over the years my own cries that life is unfair have come from the inescapable pain of living, and these cries, while understandable, have always diverted me from feeling my way through the pain of my breakage into the formation of my life. Somehow crying 'unfair' has always kept me stuck in what hurts.

Life is not fair, but unending in its capacity to change us; compassion is fair and feeling is just.
We are not responsible for all that befalls us, only for how we receive it and for how we hold each other up along the way.
Gabes Ryan

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned"
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Joefnh
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Post by Joefnh »

Hi Gabes, I read this section of Marks Book just a bit ago...so very very true...when we try to judge what is fair, we limit ourselves to what we can see and and more importantly what we can learn.

I"ll have to admit for me this has particular relevance as I have recently struggled with what is fair in me having another autoimmune disease. I have had bad dreams of me in a wheelchair, usng a walker or in surgery while trying to judge what is fair.

Thanks for posting this, it is a very relavent parable from Mark Nepos book, I would highly recommend this book "Book of Awakening" Mark is a writer that went through a horrific time dealing with advanced stage cancer who came out of the fight not only well, but wise and knowledgeable; he shares these simple yet incredible poignant short stories with us, each containing a very valuable lesson about life.

Gabes sent me this book as I was struggling with my health issues, it has been a great comfort as I read each days lesson, it's so simple yet there is such a wonderful and powerful truth to each short lesson. I would highly recommend this to anyone.

Thanks for bringing this up.

I very rarely will recommend a book with this much enthusiasm, while there have been several wonderful books sent to by my friends here, each of them being wonderful in their own way, but when's first started reading this book, it really hit home and has been a great daily companion.

You can find this on iTunes, at any bookstore or on amazon at:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Book-Awakenin ... +awakening

I am fortunate that I have had such great friends here that have cared enough to share with me books like Marks, no matter what faith we are the lessons are timeless and without equal.
Joe
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Post by jgivens »

I LOVE Mark Nepo. He made so much sense. Life just is what it is and we can fight against it and expend a lot of unnecessary energy, or we can make something positive from our pain. I am certainly no Pollyanna and am often accused of being "a glass half empty kind of woman" as a colleague accused me of today. (I think I actually was being the more realistic one!)

There is a difference for me between being negative and being realistic. The longer I am alive, the more I realize that our worst struggles in life are usually to our benefit if we don't fight them and if we can instead, make some meaning for our lives out of them.
Jane
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Post by Gabes-Apg »

Jane
soo cool to find another mark nepo fan


with a few recent posts where some are having issues with the adjustment to life with MC, being the 8th of may here in Aus, when I read todays topic 'issue of fairness' I felt it resonated so much with what we as MC'ers (and all the other health issues so many on this board) go through.
I just had to type it in and share it!!!

the book is ?$12 on amazon and/or iTunes - it is the best $12 you could spend on your health
Gabes Ryan

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Re: The issue of fairness.......

Post by JFR »

Gabes-Apg wrote:From Mark Nepo - book of awakening


When was I or anyone promised perfect health? An ant can struggle for yards with food in its mouth only to have a dead limb tired of hanging on, crush it. What makes us human beings presume to be exempt from such things??

I know now that over the years my own cries that life is unfair have come from the inescapable pain of living, and these cries, while understandable, have always diverted me from feeling my way through the pain of my breakage into the formation of my life. Somehow crying 'unfair' has always kept me stuck in what hurts.

Life is not fair, but unending in its capacity to change us; compassion is fair and feeling is just.
We are not responsible for all that befalls us, only for how we receive it and for how we hold each other up along the way.
I have come to understand that it is arrogance to think "I didn't deserve this". Does anyone deserve "this"? If not me than who? This is a really important lesson. Getting stuck in the unfairness of it all leads nowhere except to more misery and despair. Seeing all adversity as our path in life and learning how to navigate that path as best we can means that life is always workable. I am not saying that we should court adversity but if it should come our way, and it surely will, then learning to accept it and figuring out how best to live with it creates the potential for happiness in the face of adversity.

Thanks Gabes

Jean
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Post by Gabes-Apg »

Jean
beautifully put

that's why this forum, this group of caring, knowledgeable, unconditionally supportive people is so amazing
only for how we receive it and for how we hold each other up along the way......
Gabes Ryan

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned"
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Post by Joefnh »

Jean the other week you posted a statement that has been on my thoughts as I have been working on accepting whats going on on my life healthwise. This fits so well with what Gabes posted.

Jean said:
To the extent that I can accept the challenges this life presents me with, I am freed up to figure out how best to live my life rather than feeling trapped in an unfair world. I probably have mentioned this before but when I was able to say to myself "why not me?" rather than continually think "why me?" life got much better because I could get on with the business of living with what the present moment was presenting me with rather than being stuck in what I had lost. It didn't come naturally to me but once I figured out that I was responsible for my own happiness regardless of my circumstances, I started being able to enjoy life a lot more.
This statement has really has me thinking and has allowed me to approach the Dx of Muscular Dystrophy quite differently... I have been able to start not focusing on why me in dealing with this, as to why not me...this has been a very profound statement and thought for me, it really does once you accept this thought change your outlook and perspective, a very powerful thought.

Thanks again for sharing this, it has been very meaningful
Joe
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Post by tex »

Gabes and all,

I've never read Mark Nepo, but I've always been close to nature, and I've always been aware that in the real world (that is, in nature) the concepts of fairness and/or justice do not exist. In the food chain for example, predators never consider whether it is fair or just to capture and eat their prey. Likewise, it never occurs to their prey that there might be anything unfair about predators' behavior.

Those concepts are nothing more than fabrications in the minds of humans. In essence, they are political constructs. And IMO, that's probably why they have such negative effects on our lives, if we choose to accept them as reality (rather than to recognize them as contrivances, or fabrications).

Note the strong correlation between this line of reasoning and the 5 (or 7, depending on whose version you accept) stages of grief. Dealing with MC is often compared with going through those same stages of grief. And in order to reach the final stage of grief (acceptance), we pretty much have to recognize that fairness is nothing more than an abstract thought, with no relevance as far as getting on with our life is concerned, which means that in essence, the concept of fairness has no relevance to life.

Thanks for all the insight.

Tex
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Post by JFR »

Joefnh wrote:Jean the other week you posted a statement that has been on my thoughts as I have been working on accepting whats going on on my life healthwise. This fits so well with what Gabes posted.


This statement has really has me thinking and has allowed me to approach the Dx of Muscular Dystrophy quite differently... I have been able to start not focusing on why me in dealing with this, as to why not me...this has been a very profound statement and thought for me, it really does once you accept this thought change your outlook and perspective, a very powerful thought.

Thanks again for sharing this, it has been very meaningful
Thanks Joe.I am happy that I have been of some help to you. You sure have a lot on your plate to deal with. If there is ever any other way I can help please let me know. We don't live all that far from each other.

love,
Jean
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Post by MaggieRedwings »

Wonderful food for thought for those of us that have struggled so long. I long ago gave up feeling sorry for myself and have just come to accept this as the hand I have been dealt. I saw my sister, who died at 41, struggle with far more than I and know that life is just not always a bowl of cherries but one that might have sour pickles. You just look at life around you and feel much better than others who deal with far more.

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Post by carolm »

Gabes, that is so funny that you posted this. I just started reading Mark Nepo's the Book of Awakening a couple of nights ago. I ordered it after Joe (HI Joe) recommended it. I ordered that one and 'Surviving Has Made Me Crazy". Looking forward to really digging in to them. I have a feeling I have a lot to learn.

It seems like the issues of fairness and "why me" crop up a lot in my life-- except those words are coming from people I'm working with. When I was a therapist (way early in my career) people who viewed the world as unfair usually made the least amount of progress in therapy. They felt persecuted and thought everyone else had a charmed life, it was just so unfair. That kind of thinking will really stunt growth.

Now I'm a school psych and a couple of years ago I had a very talented teacher say "why do we get all the tough kids?" and it hit me-- who better to have them than us? We are smart, we have a strong special ed team, we are up on the research based strategies, we genuinely like the quirky kids, we have the knowledge and a history of developing programs that lead to success. Why not us? In fact, who better? It's a slightly different version of 'why not me" but you get the point.

"Why not" leads to growth and opening ourselves up to possibilities, not just for ourselves but our impact on others.

Well that's my random thought for today-- thanks for humoring me.

Carol
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Post by DebE13 »

Think I will be ordering that book!

Crazy timing. I just happened to burst out into tears after making my husband dinner. It was the tears that curtailed a violent outburst. I wanted so badly to whip a dish across be room to see it burst into pieces. However, I'm much too sensible to do that because then I'd have to clean it up and that wouldn't prove anything. My tidiness sure is irritating at times! :lol: What did burst out of my mouth was "it isn't fair!" I just wanted to make one dinner and sit down and enjoy it with my husband. Due to a hectic schedule I quickly made his dinner then started over to make mine. My outburst put a damper on his meal because how do you react to such emotion? Thankfully, he knows me and let me have my moment and then it passed.

Thank you Gabes
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Post by carolm »

Sorry DebE,

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“.... people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou
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Post by Gloria »

Deb wrote:I just wanted to make one dinner and sit down and enjoy it with my husband. Due to a hectic schedule I quickly made his dinner then started over to make mine. My outburst put a damper on his meal because how do you react to such emotion? Thankfully, he knows me and let me have my moment and then it passed.
I'd say that your husband is fortunate that you're willing to make his dinner and your own different one, also. :smile:
Carol wrote: people who viewed the world as unfair usually made the least amount of progress in therapy. They felt persecuted and thought everyone else had a charmed life, it was just so unfair. That kind of thinking will really stunt growth.
I agree completely. I've always said that the having a victim mentality is almost self-fulfilling. If someone considers themself a victim, then they also feel helpless to change their situation. This is true in so many situations, not just health, but employment, poverty, education, etc. Some situations are beyond our control, but we can always control our attitude.
Carol wrote:I had a very talented teacher say "why do we get all the tough kids?"

I remember having a pretty challenging 7th period class, the last period of the day. I asked myself "Why do I have these students when they are tired and wanting school to be over?" Then I realized that someone had to teach them the last period of the day - why shouldn't it be me?

Gloria
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Post by Gabes-Apg »

Carol
Only this week I have treated myself to his book - finding inner courage. ( i am up to page 34)
i am struggling to read at the moment due to some other health stuff, a few weeks and I will be delving into it big time!

what mark writes is nothing new, its not rocket science, or a new discovery, it is really good solid stuff written so well, the tone of his writing has the care and compassion that will help you with that day

and your thoughts are not random! i think they are an awesome contribution to the discussion. and that's what i like about his book, its not just about dealing with a health issue, all of the elements can be applied to so many aspects of life!


Gloria - those kids were very blessed to have you for that last period of the day! they may not ever realise that.
i am sure your amazing patience got you through the year!
Gabes Ryan

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