Learning to cope

[Jazi]

Hello everyone. It's been a while since I've been here. I haven't been in a chatty mood and I don't know when and if I will be again but I need to do something, talk to someone.

I lost my 18 year old nephew to drugs on June 18th. As the weeks go on, it seems to become harder. His mother and I (my sister) work together. We've been close all our growing years and our children are close.

My diet is horrendous. I don't care what I eat. I don't care what I look like and I don't care how much pain I'm in from the bad food choices. I am back on 20mg of Prozac (two weeks now) because I don't know what else to do. The pain I feel for my sister, brother in law and my niece is unbearable, not to mention my own sadness of losing him.

I'm on my last week of Entocort (3mg). I do try to stay healthy somewhat by taking a daily dose of probiotics, L-glutamine 600mg, twice a day, lactaid, whenever I eat dairy (which has been often lately) and Pepto.

It's as if I want to get better but eating is the only way I know how to deal with such sadness.

I do have an appointment with a Psychiatrist but it's not until September 19th, I'm still looking for someone to get me in sooner.

Thank you for listening and I'm sorry I haven't been more active here.

[ldubois7]

Oh, Joanne, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Sometimes life makes no sense and it's certainly not fair.
You do need to grieve, and try to remember the good times with him.

You do need to take care of yourself, though. You won't do yourself or your sister any good if you get really sick.

Live one day at a time, and try to find the good in this world and help your mind think more positive thoughts when you can.

Try yoga or deep breathing. Channel your sadness to something other then food....like brisk walking or a hobby you enjoy.... away from the kitchen.

Do you have a pet or any young children in your family? They can be a great source of healing and comfort.

Again, I'm so very sorry for this truly unbelievable sadness you are living.

[coryhub]

Hi Jazi,

Sometimes it's minute by minute just trying to get through life's pains. Don't be hard on yourself about not caring about anything. Who would. Addiction is a disease worse than what we have. We can take a pill to help with remission but they can't. It's a hateful disease. I can understand how everything else must seem secondary. My heart goes out to you and please post here anytime you need someone to talk to.

Lovingly,
Cory

[tlras]

Joanne,

I'm so sorry to hear about your nephew...my prayers to you and the family. Things will get easier eventually and you can start thinking about your diet again. And know that you can take the Entocort for a lot longer than your doctor says. You will probably need it. Hang in there and we are here for you!

Love,
Terri

[UkuleleLady]

Hi Joanne,
I'm so sorry for your loss. You and yours are in my thoughts.

I am concerned about your mental health. I think the Prozac is a wonderful thing for you, but, I wonder if some talk therapy could help. I myself have suffered with depression and family drug/alcohol crises.

Talk therapy and a fresh objective viewpoint help. If a therapist is out of the question due to cost or timing, perhaps look into an alanon meeting or some other survivor support group. Perhaps you and your sister could attend together.

I wish you all the best in dealing with this trauma along with MC, and again I am so sorry for what you must be going through. I can't imagine what y'all are going through.

Sincerely,
Nancy

[JeanIrene]

Joanne, I am so very sorry. I can't imagine the grief you must be experiencing, losing a loved one so young and trying to be of some comfort to his family at the same time. I know that time will help you heal.

Please try to be kind to yourself. Don't give up on striving to get back to good health. Your body needs as much strength as possible to get through all this.

I will keep you in my prayers. Please let us know how you are doing when you're feeling up to it.

Love,

Jean

[Lesley]

Joanne,
What a horrible thing for you and your family to go through. So very sad.

I know that my reaction would be to eat a whole loaf of fresh bread slathered with butter, and then to dive into a gallon of vanilla ice cream. Daily.
Don't beat yourself up for doing to something similar.
The only thing that is worrying about your need for comfort foods is that you can make yourself so sick as an MC-er by eating them.

I am glad you are on Prozac. It will take the edge off until you can bear it.

Please talk it out here because we understand the MC side of things, and those of us who have dealt with loss can empathize and sympathize with your grief and sadness.
Whatever helps!

Hugs!

[Leah]

Oh Joanne, what a tragedy! None of us are here to judge you . We only want the pain to go away for you.
Working with overweight people, I see first hand that many people use food to try to feel better. it's natural. One day though, you will wake up and realize that the food isn't making you feel better ( and with MC is actually making you feel WORSE) and will decide to take better care of yourself. Until then, I can only hope that your grief lessens over time.

Take Care Sweetie
Leah

[wmonique2]

Hi Joanne,

You've got a family here that supports you. I was where you're at last year. Lost my husband and got MC at the same time. This board saves me from total depression and helped me turn the corner with my MC.

Hang in there. It will get better. And try to focus on the beautiful relationship your had with your nephew instead of the loss.

Love,

Monique

[MaggieRedwings]

Joanne, you and your sister are in my prayers. I have a keen sense of what you are going through since this hits very close to home for me. In my case it is mental problems along with addiction for our son and only time will tell if it someday may end for him. I think I have it bad at times but have learned that someone is always worse off.

Love to you and yours.

Maggie

[carolm]

HI Joanne, I'm sorry I am late coming in to this conversation. Depression and grief eat up all of our energy making it so difficult to care about ourselves or anything else. You get the double whammy too, like you said, because you grieve for what you see your sister and her family going through as well as having your own grief. Remember the five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We move between stages, often back and forth. For example, you may spend most of your time in the depression stage, then may have a brief glimmer of acceptance. But later in the day you are back in anger, then back to depression. That's typical. Expect it. A community support group can be very helpful. You won't always have to talk. Sometimes it's just good to go listen and process it with others who know what you are going through. Sometimes reading a good book on grief will help you process and sort your feelings. I always liked "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" but I'm not sure if it's still in print, although the content would still be relevant. Maybe your local library would have it--- but there are many other good books on coping with grief and loss.

My feeling is that you need to stay on the Entocort during this stressful time and probably for a few months to come. This kind of stress can initiate a big flare and your low dose of Entocort will help you. Anything you can do to increase your own serotonin levels will help, so like others have mentioned exercise-- walking, yoga, swimming, etc- and keep as regular a schedule as you can.

If you can find an outlet that lets you 'think outside of your own head' you will be able to find small break from your grief. Spending an hour volunteering to a favorite cause, helping an elderly neighbor with a chore, or visiting a friend who also needs support can be surprisingly rejunvenating. You'll feel more energized afterward than you will beforehand.

In terms of closure, some families find peace by starting a scholarship in memory of their loved one, or donating to a charity in their name. Where I live people organize 5K runs, golf or softball tournaments, or a silent auction of donated items during a live music event to raise money in their memory. This is probably too overwhelming for you guys to think about right now but maybe in the future it will seem right. Maybe a donation to the local police department for their DARE program would help your family feel his memory will live on.

Sorry for such a long message and I'm truly sorry this has happened to you and your family. Be patient with yourself as you continue to work to heal.

Carol

[Jazi]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your wonderful responses. I am slowly coming out of my shell, wish I could say the same for my sister. Her broken heart breaks my heart.

I have been in search of faith as it has died a few years ago. I think I need it back in my life.

I went to the gym twice this week, that's big for me, packed my bag all week but only made it twice. My eating is getting better. I don't know if it's because of time or if it's the prozac. I hope it's not the prozac as I want to get off this darn drug. It's been a losing battle for me.

If you're interested, my children did a video in tribute to their cousin Matthew

In the beginning of the video, you'll see the words, "what if dreams are reality and reality is just a dream and when you die, you wake up" those are the words of my beautiful nephew Matthew.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgqYNoijQC0

[JeanIrene]

Joanne, thank you for sharing the video. Mathew was such a handsome guy. His words about life and dying are beautiful and sound very wise for such a young guy. I believe that we will awake when we die too.

I know it is difficult for you and especially for your sister. Her heart is broken and will take plenty of time to mend. It is very difficult seeing someone you love in pain. And all we can do is be there, listen and hold their hand. But I know some day, maybe months from now, you will wake up and see the beauty in life again. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

Love, jean

[Jazi]

Thank you for your beautiful words Jean

[Polly]

Joanne,

What a lovely video tribute to Matthew. And yes, what a handsome young man he was. I also believe what he did about reality being the dream before you wake up. It is sad but true that we are often powerless to change someone else's path.

You and your family have my deepest sympathy.

Love,

Polly