MOSES IN THE BULLRUSHES!!!

[Alchemy1]

A snapshot of my life…by Kim “The Outhouse Polka Queen”

To my great misfortune, I have a horrible, sneaky, vengeful, disgusting and very unforgiving disease which, unfortunately, I sometimes choose to willfully ignore. This is the tale of one of those days when I decided, against my better judgment, to do just that...

I woke up this morning, totally exhausted, and my usual pot of tea just wasn’t giving me the “kick” I needed. I dearly love my husband and can’t tell you how glad I am that he’s home. But sometimes, having my husband in the house, can be a very bad thing; this was one of those times. He’d just brewed a fresh pot of coffee and it smelled heavenly! FYI - I gave up coffee, over three years ago, because my colitis “SAID” I had to give it up. Coffee has always had a laxative effect on me, but now it's off limits because it pisses my guts off to no end! That’s the way it works, folks…I don’t control my disease...IT controls ME!!

Anyway, the mind can be a tricky thing...over long periods of time, it can blur and soften the horrific consequences of our previous actions. When this happens, we sometimes decide to do something stupid which we know, darned good and well, we shouldn’t even consider. Hence, for some idiotic reason (maybe it was simple rebellion) I threw caution to the wind and thought I could get away with just one little old cup. I poured myself a mug of joe, and proceeded back to the bathroom, to continue my morning hairdo prep. Well, I got about halfway through that mug of coffee and the $hit, almost literally, hit the fan! MOSES IN THE BULLRUSHES!!!! I barely had any warning before I had to make a mad dash for the commode! A horrifying bout of Hiroshima force diarrhea, pouring out of my butt like lava from an erupting volcano, ensued!! I was trapped, helpless and gasping on the throne, for a good fifteen minutes. My departure time to work was creeping closer and closer…my ‘do was only half finished and I wasn’t even dressed. Damn!! I tried to get off the pot. No dice. My undies didn’t reach mid-thigh before I had to slam my butt back down on the seat!! More a-bomb action (or in this case, maybe it’s an s-bomb). The pain and humiliation are just too deep to go into, but suffice it to say, the experience was, well, EXPLOSIVE!!!

This nonsense went on for almost 40 minutes. It was like I’d just had a high colonic, or ate a whole box of chocolate X-Lax, or stuffed a couple of M-80s up my ass!! I will NEVER, in my entire LIFE, understand why anyone would think a colon cleanse is a good idea. Anyone who’s camped on the john all night, or pooped their britches while running to the bathroom, or had to pull over and jump out of the car to crap on the side of the freeway (during rush hour no less) would know what I’m talking about. (And, yes, all that has happened to me). I don’t understand why someone would want to swallow a bunch of mung to “cleanse” a system which is already self-cleaning. If you’re pooping, you’re good to go. Don’t mess with your colon or it may just decide to mess with YOU! That’s good advice from an expert who is the ill-fated owner of a colon gone totally INSANE.

To summarize, I’m writing this down so I don’t forget why I gave up coffee. A reminder like this morning? Well, I can DEFINITELY do without that!! So next time I think about drinking a cup of joe, I’m going to read this before I take one sip. I’m not, after all, a complete masochistic dumbass! I managed three years without coffee. It will probably be another three years, before I forget this morning, but I’ll have this essay in case I should have a total brain fart!

THE END

[Mackey]

This was the first thing I read this morning and I have to say it was pretty funny. I'm sure it was not funny what you went through but at least you have a sense of humor! Only people suffering with this awful colitis can relate. Hang in there!

[Alchemy1]

Hey Mackey!

That was one for the books, all right. Land it was awful! But I'm glad it was funny and that you enjoyed reading my little essay. I try to laugh at my disease as much as I possibly can. If you don't have a sense of humor about it, you'll end up in the booby hatch writing home with crayons! I've had some really bad experiences, but at least there was a toilet handy for this one. I love this site because people CAN understand what it's like to live with MC. Most people think it's like having the runs from some kind of stomach bug, but they couldn't be further off base. It's NOTHING like that and people with healthy colons have no idea how lucky they are!

You hang in there too and thanks for reading!

[Adelaide]

This really made me smile. The sad part is that this sounds a normal day for me at the moment. But I would rather laugh about it than cry. So thanks for the story and by the way it was so well written. You should write for magazines

[Alchemy1]

Hi Adelaide,

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a rough time right now. I've been in a flare, on and off, for several weeks now. Unfortunately, I know exactly where you're coming from. I do environmental work and just got back in from the field. I was nagging at my tech to "GO FASTER!!" all the way back to the office! He drives like an old woman and my guts were fixin' to BLOW! Ye gods it sucked! I also woke up with the worst bloat today. I can't stand that because my pants will fit just fine in the morning, but by the end of the day, I have to unzip my britches because they're squashing my poor, bloated belly. Sometimes I feel like I should just buy some maternity clothes! I hate this disease, but I do have hope that I'll get better since I found this site. I know things will get better for you too, so hang in there and concentrate on taking care of yourself.

I'm glad you enjoyed my little essay and that it made you smile! I've won several awards, and had one essay published, for creative writing. My husband keeps nagging me to write a book. Maybe I should... or do what you said and try my hand at magazine articles or maybe short stories. If I could write for a living, then I wouldn't have to worry about running to the nearest arroyo, or the biggest mesquite bush I can find, when I'm out in the field! LOL!

Keep your chin up, hon. I know how hard it is to stay positive when you're feeling so rotten. Take care and feel free to drop me a note whenever you're feeling down. I've had MC since 2008 and know what those bad spells are like. You just have to ride them out and laugh about it when you can.

Take care!

[Adelaide]

Thank you so much Kim for your reply. I was only diagnosed in December 2015 with MC but I have been coping with all the symptoms (that have progressively worsened) since October 2011 after taking antibiotics for a 'virus.' I feel it is time to change things around now and progressively get better. That is my plan anyway and I am going to work at whatever gets me to move in a positive direction.

I love finding this site. So far I have had some great advice and you have made me smile. It is nice to know there are people out there who understand what you are going through and are so kind and willing to support and help.

I knew that you were a wonderful entertaining writer so I am not surprised you have won awards.

Linda (who lives in Adelaide, Australia)

[Erica P-G]

This made me laugh so hard I'm crying!! LOL

OMG Please do not EVER drink coffee again

We all have decided we are impervious to our MC and therefore think since we have been doing so well a little of "THIS" can't hurt....wrong, it might just be the way of life for the next 12-72 hours in some cases.

I sure hope your episode clears soon, I know our brains tend to sway us otherwise at times.
Cheers
Erica

[Alchemy1]

Hey Linda!

I'm glad you found this site, too, because it's so hard to live with this disease and not have the kind of support you need! I actually cried when I found it because I had felt so alone, and so misunderstood, for so many years. I fist got sick in late 2007 or early 2008 (I don't remember exactly, but I contracted salmonella from tomatoes, and have been sick ever since). I was working for NASA at the time and had been dealing with horrible diarrhea for months and months. Then, one day I was out working in the field, and just went down. One minute I was standing up filling out paperwork and the next I was laying in the weeds wondering what the hell had happened to me! I was super dehydrated from chronic diarrhea, and being out in the 100+ temperatures all day, and I finally passed out. They sent me to the ER, and kept me there for 12 hours performing tests, including a CT scan. The whole time I was in the ER, I was dragging my IV pole down to the john to poop, but kept telling myself that it was okay because I'd finally get help. I was so wrong! My doctor told me they didn't find anything and said I must have IBS. He prescribed some medication and called it good. The meds didn't help and I was absolutely devastated that they didn't "find anything" in all those tests.

I've been where you are right now. They throw antibiotics at you, have you poop in about 1000 cups, make you drink a ton of dye and stick you in a CT machine, then tell you there's nothing wrong. And all the while you're just getting sicker and sicker. I suffered for three years (thinking it was IBS), but I finally got so sick that I lost about 30 pounds in less than two months. Everyone I worked with was speculating that I was anorexic because I was so thin it was scary (and did that ever make me furious)! My new primary care doctor kept running tests, but when I lost 12 pounds in two weeks, he was smart enough to send me to a GI doctor. The GI doc performed a colonoscopy, with biopsies, and I was finally diagnosed with collagenous colitis in late 2010. It really made me furious because I'd been so ill for so long, and nobody would get to the bottom of it until I was almost in the morgue!

It's ignorance that caused both of us to have to live in misery for so many years before we found out what was really wrong. And like you said...it's time to move forward and get ourselves into remission. I've crapped enough for three lifetimes and have had ENOUGH! This flare I'm in now was more than just the coffee and I know it. I ate all kinds of things I shouldn't have over the holidays and now I'm paying for it. Like I said in my essay, this disease is vengeful and very unforgiving!

Take care of yourself and write me anytime you need a friend or want to vent! Sometimes we just have to get all that frustration out so we can move forward. I also sometimes hold a private pity party and cry it out, but I'm hoping to put those days behind me soon!

Hang tough, Linda! Things are going to get better for both of us!!!

[Alchemy1]

Hi Erica!

I'm glad you had a good laugh over my little essay! I was hoping it would help people see that humor is a good way to help you cope with this awful disease! I'll get better if I keep being a good girl...which is sometimes hard when my husband is home. He's a heavy equipment operator, who works on pipelines, and has to go on the road a lot of the time. When he's around, it can lead to things like the Hiroshima Incident! He has a horrible sweet tooth and is always bringing home cookies, peach cobbler, blueberry cream cake and other baked goods which I know I can't eat. He also makes the best peanut butter chocolate chip cookies I've ever tasted! I hate it when he makes up a batch because they're almost impossible to resist.

I was also a very bad girl over the holidays and now I'm paying for it. I put myself into a flare, which has been really rough, and has lasted for weeks. I'm trying to learn how to eat in a completely different way, and it's difficult enough without all those goodies in the house! I just have to be strong because getting well is more important those treats!

Anyway, I think my next essay is going to be about my freeway incident! It's the worst thing that's happened to me since I got CC but it is pretty funny in retrospect.

Take care and keep on laughing cuz it really is the best medicine!

[Erica P-G]

Hi Kim :-)
I would so much like to laugh more in regards to this syndrome There are times when it tests our patience for sure!

I've been under the love -support- and guidance of this forum since May 2015 and by working really hard I reached Norman status in less than 6 months. Thankfully I don't have any other AI issues from holding me back.

I do know how to 'stir the pot', so the temptations are out there and I have dipped my feet in them a couple times. Terrible after effects, so one needs to have a very strong will power at times.

Not only do we need will power but I just recently learned that a cold virus will up-end a person when we are feeling at our worse, as it took me a good month to get back on track afterwards (and it took going back to my safe foods and recently taking benedryl at night (for the last 2 nights) and my Claritin Reditab daily during the day) that finally hit the inflammation down enough to have a Norman again. There are so many proponents to this syndrome it really can be a puzzle at times. Luckily once we heal a while getting back on track doesn't take nearly as long.

Yes, please help to make us laugh more on this site

[Adelaide]

Hi Kim (and it was also good to read what you wrote Erica )

Thank you so much for sharing some of your story. Sometimes I just wonder to myself about how on earth I got here when just over four years ago my health was great. The symptoms began after being prescribed antibiotics for a virus. It seems the antibiotics killed the good bacteria. Anyway I cannot go back so I just have to get on with this journey of healing.

It is nice to be on this site and talk to such nice people like you who understand. It definitely sounds like you have been through a nightmare of a time and I love how you can still have a sense of humour. I look forward to reading more.

Look after yourself and don't drink the coffee
Linda

[Gabes-Apg]

did you read my 3 steps chaos post in this section??

i still grieve for my yoda slippers.

[Erica P-G]

Oh, my Gabes! That was a terrible moment too!

Another moment to ponder and shake the head at indeed....oh my.
Hugs

[Adelaide]

No Gabes I haven't read the 3 steps chaos post in this section yet. I will have to try and find it

[Alchemy1]

Oh no Gabes! Not the Yoda slippers!!! That was just out of line for your MC to trash the Yoda slippers. Shame on it! We've all had those horrible incidents where the MC gets the better of us and there's nothing we can do to stop it. The old "pucker strings" are sometimes no match for the might of MC. It's too bad your slippers were a causality.