Family Matters

Marcia K · Post by **Marcia K** » Sat Jun 11, 2016 9:36 am

Good morning, all. After reading a comment on a FB site that this woman was in tears when she was out to dinner with her family because she couldn't eat what they were eating it made me curious if that is the norm. Her husband then said that he would eat like she does from then on. I'm wondering how many of your families eat like you do. As for my family, I do not expect them to eat like me, nor would I want them to. After moving my son to other city yesterday I was exhausted and just wanted to get something to eat. The server kept looking at me as he was saying what he thought was good on the menu. I wanted to blurt out "Don't look at me, Pal. I'm going to order a plain burger without a bun and steamed broccoli." I was happy that my family could experience some of the new foods that were on the menu. I'm a "to each how own type of person" but I just wondered how you all deal with that issue. Eating like this s*cks and I feel badly for anyone who has to watch everything they eat. With that being said, I do try to buy gluten free items for my family if it is available in products that they eat because I don't think that gluten is good for anyone. As it turned out all I had was the plain, dried up burger because they didn't have any broccoli. He offered me sautéed spinach but it came raw so I didn't touch it. I had a baked sweet potato in the car so life was good. :-)

TaiaK · Post by **TaiaK** » Sat Jun 11, 2016 10:21 am

Marcia-my immediate family is my husband and 2 teenagers. My husband joined me in the gf part of my diet almost a year ago. He had other issues he wanted relief from and he has felt enough improvement to keep it up. I am the main cook and baker and in our house that is all gf. They all eat what I make with no complaints. The kids make their own choices outside the house.

We do eat out here and there as well as travel and it's worked out well. I modify as necessary. I find the soy issue to be most difficult when out especially since my husband loves Asian food. There are times that are rough there as he does not worry about soy.

My focus on food has diminished which has been nice. I feel like it gives me structure and improved health and as time goes by that becomes more apparent and easier to keep up. I'm also noticing as I recover, my appetite has increased so I just have some basics on hand and eat to not be hungry. There are small "pity party" moments but I get over them quickly. Lol. I'm very proud of myself and I think all of us should be proud of ourselves! A majority of people would not stick with diet changes.

Thank you for bringing this up as a discussion topic!

Taia

Post by **tex** » Sat Jun 11, 2016 10:54 am

Marcia,

I agree with Taia. The lady in that FB post is apparently still hung at the "depression" stage, which is the stage just before "acceptance" in the 5 stages of grief that we all go through on our journey to accepting this disease as a permanent part of our life. Getting stuck at the depression stage is easy to understand because severe food sensitivities tend to be very depressing. And it's not easy to see incentives for getting past that stage because depression tends to be self-perpetuating. (And incidentally, depression is another symptom of magnesium deficiency, and food sensitivities tend to deplete magnesium, so that's why depression is often self-perpetuating).

Taia wrote:A majority of people would not stick with diet changes.

That is so very, very true. IMO it's the main reason why most MC patients will never join this forum. They expect to go to their doctor to receive a prescription for a pill that will cure all their ills, and they'll live happily ever after.

If only that were true. Even after they discover that the "pill" is only a temporary or partial solution, most patients cannot get past the denial stage because many GI docs still insist that MC will typically resolve without medical intervention within about 3 years. Again, this is false, but unfortunately most people tend to believe what they want to believe rather than what is actually true. And this gets many MC patients off the GI doc's back so that they stop nagging for a better treatment when the poor specialist doesn't have a better treatment to offer.

Tex

Erica P-G · Post by **Erica P-G** » Sat Jun 11, 2016 11:40 am

Great discussion Marcia,

Have I cried when going out...no I don't think I have, and I hope I never do. Going out is a privilege for most, not the norm perhaps, at least that is how it is my family. It is just my husband and I...so that makes it easier now than if I were still raising my kids. (Glad I started early with kids looking at things now, don't know how happy I would be not being able to participate in all eating functions with the whole group).

Have I wished it could be as easy going as it once was....you bet! Having to weed out every detail when going out is exhausting to me. I do try to think ahead now and if I have to bring my own drink or sea salt into an establishment I do that, and I let whoever is serving me know that I have food intolerances and that I have to be careful. I don't think I have had one issue with any place I have gone into so far.

My husband feels a bit bad to be able to eat anything on the menu, but it makes him quite happy if I am able to find 2-3 things that I may be able to eat....so I'm sure it affects those we dine with, but I'm sure they feed off our leads as to how much empathy we need at the time. I try not to make going out (when we do) to big of a deal. This includes attending family functions...although I would think by now my extended family has heard me discuss my situation so many times that they could have on hand or let me know when I may need to bring something to eating functions...the verdict is still out on this situation.

JFR · Post by **JFR** » Sat Jun 11, 2016 2:38 pm

I'm simply grateful I found a way to eat that keeps me healthy. I really don't see my dietary restrictions as any kind of tragedy. I look at the way I eat, which is much healthier than the way most people eat, as a great gift that I give myself. I can go to family gatherings and eat nothing and be entirely OK with it. Just as we can change the way we eat we can also change our attitude towards the way we eat from one where we feel deprived to one where we feel grateful. Our minds do not have to be stuck in self pity.

Jean

Marcia K · Post by **Marcia K** » Sat Jun 11, 2016 4:20 pm

This topic has made a great discussion! I didn't think of the depression aspect of her tears. I remember feeling sad at the first holiday after my diagnosis because I couldn't eat what my extended family was eating but now that doesn't bother me. Being the middle of seven children I was always trying to keep peace and make everyone happy (which is probably part of the reason that I have LC) so as I said I wouldn't think of asking my family to change their eating habits for me. I have always cooked healthy meals, though so they don't eat "junk" but the occasional pizza, etc. is something that they enjoy. As Jean said, I am grateful that I can live an almost normal life unlike some of my friends who lost their battle with cancer. Taia, you are so right - we should all be proud of ourselves. It is tempting to think that we could pop a pill to make this go away, but we all know better. Erica, I know exactly what you mean about having 2-3 items to choose from when dining out. Often times that isn't the case and if I can find something other than a burger it makes me happy.

Gabes-Apg · Post by **Gabes-Apg** » Sat Jun 11, 2016 4:40 pm

that is why the mental and emotional aspects of life with MC is just as important as figuring out the eating plan and taking Vit D3 and magnesium.
It is for life, and it can be a tough gig at times.

I dont expect others (family/friends) to eat the same as me, I do have a level of expectation that they will accept what I am doing, and not question my choices and support me on the journey.
when eating out, they will try and choose a place that has gabe safe options on the menu. Some make an effort to provide gabe safe options for me or will phone me or message me if they find a new product in the supermarket that is 'gabe safe'

just this week, as I was feeling a bit poorly, my friend found a whole duck on special at the supermarket 'untainted' no extra ingredients. she got it for me as a cheer me up gift... for me that is way way better than flowers or chocolates!!

Marcia K · Post by **Marcia K** » Sat Jun 11, 2016 5:41 pm

That's awesome, Gabes! We all need such thoughtful friends!

Janie · Post by **Janie** » Sat Jun 11, 2016 6:22 pm

I have a supportive family. But I don't ask them to eat like me. My husband goes with me to Dr.s appointments. But my woman group doesn't understand and haven't been in touch since I can't meet for lunch where they like to go. I asked if they wanted to do a movie instead. Ha Ha My close friends live in the Midwest and see them when we travel. But that is on hold. Our kids live with us and help out around the house. (One in college and one out of college and working.) Live in greater LA.
Gages and everyone on here have been wonderful and patient with my questions.

Marcia K · Post by **Marcia K** » Sun Jun 12, 2016 7:01 pm

Hi, Janie. We have friends that we used to things with more often but now that my eating is restrictive I know that they go to breakfast, etc. and don't invite us to go along. I'm fine with that. It's unfortunate that so many of our social activities focus on food rather than the fellowship.

Janie · Post by **Janie** » Mon Jun 13, 2016 7:55 am

This is the knew normal.

brandy · Post by **brandy** » Mon Jun 13, 2016 12:40 pm

Marcia,

This is a very interesting thread!

Marcia said:

I'm going to order a plain burger without a bun and steamed broccoli

Plain burger, steamed broccoli and applesauce if they have it is my eat out lunch menu.

Taia said

A majority of people would not stick with diet changes.

One of the saddest things about the forum is that if you look at the membership roster the vast majority of members....maybe 85%, sign up, spend a day or two looking around the forum and then never return or maybe return 3 or 4 years later when no drugs are working. They see that some of us take Entocort and due to the gluten free thing I think we come across as gluten free granola crunching health nuts. Those who make diet changes heal years faster and have a lot less suffering. It does not help that the GI docs tell folks that diet does not matter.

I thought what Jean said was worth repeating

I'm simply grateful I found a way to eat that keeps me healthy. I really don't see my dietary restrictions as any kind of tragedy. I look at the way I eat, which is much healthier than the way most people eat, as a great gift that I give myself. I can go to family gatherings and eat nothing and be entirely OK with it. Just as we can change the way we eat we can also change our attitude towards the way we eat from one where we feel deprived to one where we feel grateful. Our minds do not have to be stuck in self pity.

Janie said:

But my woman group doesn't understand and haven't been in touch since I can't meet for lunch where they like to go.

I find it difficult to eat with groups of women. They all want to go to salad places to eat "healthy." Or they want to go to pizza places and order the salads.

I've found "regionality" can affect success of dining out. It is no problem getting a fresh cooked MC safe meal in a foodie urban area when dining out for dinner in say San Francisco, Atlanta, Chicago etc. It can be more difficult in the south where everything is fried catfish and fried hushpuppies.

At my house the boyfriend and I are eating good. Sometimes we eat our own stuff. When I'm "cooking" he eats what I eat. I got the Silver Spoon Cookbook for Christmas. It is the #1 selling cookbook in Italy for over 15 years. I like that it has over 1-1/2" of protein recipes. Most of the recipes have about 5 ingredients so they are easy. The proteins are prepared using methods that Americans typically don't do. I've made maybe 6 proteins from the cookbook and all are good. I don't think I'd recommend the cookbook for newbies but I would recommend it for oldbies.

Marcia K · Post by **Marcia K** » Mon Jun 13, 2016 3:26 pm

Thanks for the cookbook recommendation, Brandy. I love cookbooks. I recently purchased The Healing Kitchen (autoimmune paleo) but I really haven't had a chance to make anything from it yet. That is so true about our membership - many find this way of eating too difficult. For me it was a no-brainer. I'm on some sites on Facebook and I always refer people who are searching for answers to our group but I'm not sure how many actually come, or if they'll stay once they visit. The Potty People are the best deal in town!

brandy · Post by **brandy** » Mon Jun 13, 2016 3:45 pm

Hi Marcia,

I've also had good results with the Paleo Comfort Foods cookbook. The gravy recipes are out of this world. The boyfriend loves the gravies.

jlbattin · Post by **jlbattin** » Mon Jun 13, 2016 5:34 pm

Brandy,

I picked up that Paleo Comfort Foods cookbook and then put it back down.......may have to pick it up again.............I really miss making gravy.........

Thanks for the recommendation!

Like the rest of you, I can go out with my family to dinner and just have a glass of iced tea (I eat before I go)..............I'm getting a little braver about ordering but like others, it's usually hamburger and well cooked broccoli or other steamed veggies.

I don't feel cheated anymore because I know what eating that way will do to me and I am NOT willing to go through that again!