Hi everyone,
I have lived with my boyfriend for 23 years. We get along mostly very well, at least in the last 10 years. There were problems with jealously when my daughter lived with us 10 years ago.
My question is about health and weight. John is 6 feet 4 " tall, he weighs, probablly 270 lbs. He is 52 years old.
He snores so much that I cannot sleep in the same room with him and get any sleep. I told him that I thought he has sleep aphnea. He stops breathing for a few seconds to a minute at a time.
He finally went to a dr and they had him go to a sleep lab. He was diagnosed with sleep aphnea.
He just left to go to another appointment, where they fit him with a mask, and some machine to help him breath correctly.
I had no idea that he had to have a machine help him breath correctly.\
I have always been very careful not to bring up his weight. We met when I was 37 and he was 28. He was an athlete in high school, and his whole family was into athletics.
I just do not understand this lack of care of his body. All of his family were always athletic.
To-night when he left to go to the sleep clinic he told me about this machine, and I said, "What are you talking about?" You don't need this, you just need to lose 40 lbs. I have never over all these years brought up weight.
When I met John, he was 200lbs. Why I am writing this is because, he doesn't seem to care what he looks like or how his health is.
I'm upset, so I don't think I am doing a very good job of explaining this.
Right before he left tonight, he asked me what I expected, and I told him that I expect him to lose 40 lbs before we go to Hawaii.
He said, I've never been a beach boy.
He has a sister that weighs at least 400 lbs. He used to give her crap about that, now he tells me, "I'm never going to be a beach boy>"
I love John, just like he is, I just don't understand why it is so hard to give up the bad things. I have told him what they are, and he just doesn't seem to care.
I hope I don't seem to be like a bitch, but I love this guy, and I don't want him to die on me. He is 9 years younger, but doesn't look like it.
Thanks for listening,
Kathyp
I have a question
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I have a question
Birdlady
Jaco, a parrot in Salzburg, could not only speak but seemed to understand grammar. Whenever his person left, Jaco would say "God be with you." But when several people were departing, Jaco would change it to "God be with all of you."
Jaco, a parrot in Salzburg, could not only speak but seemed to understand grammar. Whenever his person left, Jaco would say "God be with you." But when several people were departing, Jaco would change it to "God be with all of you."
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kate_ce1995
- Rockhopper Penguin
- Posts: 1321
- Joined: Wed May 25, 2005 5:53 pm
- Location: Vermont
I think the weight/sleep apnea connection has to do with the type of apnea. There are 2 types, one where the thingy in the back of your throat blocks the airway, and the other which is caused by a nervous system glitch.
As for how to get them to care? If you figure it out let me know. Geoff (my fiance) is overweight. He knows it, but says "it took me 35 years to get my body like this...". His parents are both diabetic and have severe health problems starting in their early 60s because of it. The last time he saw a doctor was 8 years ago at which time his blood sugar levels were borderline high. He does try hard to control his sugar intake, but I know there is so much more to balancing a good diet to control diabetes. He refuses to go to a doctor (I think he has a major phobia about them...dentists are completely out of the question). I too don't want to see him end up like his parents and want him to take care of himself. But you can't force a grown man to change either.
What can you do to help him modify his lifestyle without forcing him into it? Maybe exercising together (walks), changing the meals you prepare, the foods you have in the house, etc.? Geoff will go for walks with me and likes the outdoors, but if left to his own devices he will usually choose the recliner in front of the tv.
Katy
As for how to get them to care? If you figure it out let me know. Geoff (my fiance) is overweight. He knows it, but says "it took me 35 years to get my body like this...". His parents are both diabetic and have severe health problems starting in their early 60s because of it. The last time he saw a doctor was 8 years ago at which time his blood sugar levels were borderline high. He does try hard to control his sugar intake, but I know there is so much more to balancing a good diet to control diabetes. He refuses to go to a doctor (I think he has a major phobia about them...dentists are completely out of the question). I too don't want to see him end up like his parents and want him to take care of himself. But you can't force a grown man to change either.
What can you do to help him modify his lifestyle without forcing him into it? Maybe exercising together (walks), changing the meals you prepare, the foods you have in the house, etc.? Geoff will go for walks with me and likes the outdoors, but if left to his own devices he will usually choose the recliner in front of the tv.
Katy
Hi Kathy,
Frustrating, I know. Ten years ago my hubby was almost 100 lbs. overweight. Unfortunately, it took a "wake-up call" at that time to motivate him. He developed serious heart problems. He lost all of the excess weight and began a fitness progam which he continues to this day. He brisk-walks 4 miles every day and works out in a gym for two hours 3 times a week. He changed his diet - now essentially eats the caveman diet with me - and has maintained his weight loss. Oh, and he never snored again after he lost the 100 pounds. And all of our married life he had snored loudly every night. Both his snoring and sleep apnea have never returned.
It's like any lifestyle change - the person has to want to do it himself. I doubt that you will be able to motivate him. Don't feel guilty about your comments - you only want the best for him, naturally. I do hope he wakes up before he develops a serious health problem. I'm sure he knows about all of the health risks, but you might make a call to his docs to request that they address the weight issue with him.
Good luck. I know how it feels to be living with a "time bomb".
Love,
Polly
Frustrating, I know. Ten years ago my hubby was almost 100 lbs. overweight. Unfortunately, it took a "wake-up call" at that time to motivate him. He developed serious heart problems. He lost all of the excess weight and began a fitness progam which he continues to this day. He brisk-walks 4 miles every day and works out in a gym for two hours 3 times a week. He changed his diet - now essentially eats the caveman diet with me - and has maintained his weight loss. Oh, and he never snored again after he lost the 100 pounds. And all of our married life he had snored loudly every night. Both his snoring and sleep apnea have never returned.
It's like any lifestyle change - the person has to want to do it himself. I doubt that you will be able to motivate him. Don't feel guilty about your comments - you only want the best for him, naturally. I do hope he wakes up before he develops a serious health problem. I'm sure he knows about all of the health risks, but you might make a call to his docs to request that they address the weight issue with him.
Good luck. I know how it feels to be living with a "time bomb".
Love,
Polly
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
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barbaranoela
- Emperor Penguin
- Posts: 5394
- Joined: Wed May 25, 2005 6:11 pm
- Location: New York
Hi Kathy------Liz---on the board---can fill U in much more---about the apnea--
Lou tells me that I *snore* and I say---*well I dont hear me* just to lighten U up a bit and put a grin on ya face--
I really dont know what makes a person zoom to add Xtra pounds---and maybe he doesnt REALLY realize the health effects put upon himself/or self denial??? Maybe he is scared too----
I wish I had better words for U----
Its weird to think how athletic he and his family were--and how they let go--
Kathy did U ever tell him--just what U posted(which Im sure U have) sweetie----I luve U---and I dont want to see U die sooner than life has U down on its page
UFF---no help @ all am I----but I think U get what we have to say--
Hope all works out---
that he gets the message and does something about it
luve Barbara
Lou tells me that I *snore* and I say---*well I dont hear me* just to lighten U up a bit and put a grin on ya face--
I really dont know what makes a person zoom to add Xtra pounds---and maybe he doesnt REALLY realize the health effects put upon himself/or self denial??? Maybe he is scared too----
I wish I had better words for U----
Its weird to think how athletic he and his family were--and how they let go--
Kathy did U ever tell him--just what U posted(which Im sure U have) sweetie----I luve U---and I dont want to see U die sooner than life has U down on its page
UFF---no help @ all am I----but I think U get what we have to say--
Hope all works out---
that he gets the message and does something about it
luve Barbara
the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control
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Momster
- Gentoo Penguin
- Posts: 479
- Joined: Sun Jun 05, 2005 10:57 am
- Location: Abbotsford, B.C. Canada
Hi
I can't begin to sound like an expert as to why we let out bodies go - it can be a variety of things. This is coming from a person who is seriously overweight and having health problems because of it. No one can tell another person what they need to do - it just won't work unless that person is ready to do it for themselves. My Sister just got married to a wonderful guy last year and, as she is a person who is mostly in complete control of her life, couldn't understand why he couldn't be more in control of his bad eating habits. He just turned 60 and is about 50 lb. overweight, but has been a bachelor for many years and developed a bad habit of eating out and snacking hugely in the evening. Anyway, she started in to try to change him and it was causing friction, so after some long thought (and talks with me, big sister) she has eased off and they are much happier. She cooks healthy meals and he enjoys them and that's all she can do until he decides it's time for him to take action. He just lost a very close friend the same age as him, who had bad eating habits and it's got him thinking.
As for myself, I have been on many up and down diets and paid lots of money for quick loss and counselling type of diets, but after about 4 months I get tired of it and fall off the wagon. I'm in the process of trying again, but this time just moderating what I eat and trying to be sensible. I found that the type of diet where you have to look everything up and write it down becomes old really quickly. My Dr. nags me a lot and that depresses me, so I just ignore her. I try not to bring the subject up, but she get on my case nearly every time I go to see her.
My advice to you is like some of the others - try not to make it a contention between you and your boyfriend. It will build like a festering sore. Maybe try cooking the healthy meals and then leave it up to him to make his own mind up when he's ready.
I hope things work out for you and your boyfriend begins to care about himself.
Have a nice day,
Monster
As for myself, I have been on many up and down diets and paid lots of money for quick loss and counselling type of diets, but after about 4 months I get tired of it and fall off the wagon. I'm in the process of trying again, but this time just moderating what I eat and trying to be sensible. I found that the type of diet where you have to look everything up and write it down becomes old really quickly. My Dr. nags me a lot and that depresses me, so I just ignore her. I try not to bring the subject up, but she get on my case nearly every time I go to see her.
My advice to you is like some of the others - try not to make it a contention between you and your boyfriend. It will build like a festering sore. Maybe try cooking the healthy meals and then leave it up to him to make his own mind up when he's ready.
I hope things work out for you and your boyfriend begins to care about himself.
Have a nice day,
Monster
Do something nice for you today
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annie oakley
- King Penguin
- Posts: 3859
- Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 5:56 pm
Hi, I have a SIL that is WAY over weigh for her height, she 4ft 11in and she has to weight 200 or more. She also just went to the sleep clinic and they said the same thing to her. She needs to lose the weight and her doctor told her that 3 years ago. He told her flat out that if she did not lose the weight she was going to die. It's hard tp broach this subject with someone that is over weight. I am over weight but not to the exstent the doctor told me I was gonna die.
We worry all the time about SIL, she eats the wrong things and eats seconds of all the wrong stuff. She has a jelousy problem with me and won't take my advice. Love Oma
We worry all the time about SIL, she eats the wrong things and eats seconds of all the wrong stuff. She has a jelousy problem with me and won't take my advice. Love Oma
May I be more compassionate and loving than yeterday*and be able to spot the idiots in advance
I agree with everyone who has posted here, and Momster, I believe you are quite correct - undertaking a campaign to try to convince someone to change their lifestyle, (if they are not ready and willing to do so), soon becomes counterproductive, and will only create additional problems for the relationship.
Unfortunately, I don't have any brilliant ideas concerning ways to make someone see the light, and change their ways, if they're not receptive to the suggestion.
Yep, ever since my surgery, a little over a year ago, I find myself in the same boat, (suddenly faced with the spectre of obesity), and not willing, (or able, considering the time required), to look up and write down all the information needed to properly monitor caloric and nutrient intake, as is required, in order to properly monitor diet habits, and tweak those habits, wherever needed.
After quite a bit of time spent studying the problem, (some might call it procrastination, LOL), I've found a method which seems to be working for me. For anyone who is interested in monitoring, and/or modifying, their eating habits, I believe that I've found an ideal way to go about it - I say ideal, because it almost makes it fun. I'm short on time right now, but I'll try to post about it before the weekend is over.
Tex
Unfortunately, I don't have any brilliant ideas concerning ways to make someone see the light, and change their ways, if they're not receptive to the suggestion.
Yep, ever since my surgery, a little over a year ago, I find myself in the same boat, (suddenly faced with the spectre of obesity), and not willing, (or able, considering the time required), to look up and write down all the information needed to properly monitor caloric and nutrient intake, as is required, in order to properly monitor diet habits, and tweak those habits, wherever needed.
After quite a bit of time spent studying the problem, (some might call it procrastination, LOL), I've found a method which seems to be working for me. For anyone who is interested in monitoring, and/or modifying, their eating habits, I believe that I've found an ideal way to go about it - I say ideal, because it almost makes it fun. I'm short on time right now, but I'll try to post about it before the weekend is over.
Tex
It is suspected that some of the hardest material known to science can be found in the skulls of GI specialists who insist that diet has nothing to do with the treatment of microscopic colitis.
Hi everyone,
Kathy, I completely understand your concern. My husband carries some extra weight, and I'm always worrying about him. He's not obese, but he doesn't eat very healthily, and especially when he travels I really worry that something will happen to him. We see a wonderful therapist together, and one thing I've learned in the past couple of years from this therapist (and from trial and error at home) is that nothing I say or do will make my husband take care of himself the way I want him to. The only thing we really have power over is ourselves. I guess we have to figure out how to take care of ourselves and try to let go of our fear - because I think fear is at the base of so many of these situations. I don't know if you've had a chance to sit down and tell your boyfriend how much you love him and are worried about his health - if you have, then saying it again may not be the best choice. But if you haven't, maybe it would help him to hear how much you care about him and want him to be healthy. It's really a tough one, this wanting to help our loved ones take care of themselves. I'm sorry you're so worried.
On a practical note, last year I had gained fifteen pounds because of the birth control I was on, and I found that simply tracking my food online at www.sparkpeople.com was enormously helpful. I lost the weight in a few months. Sparkpeople is a free and very informative website, and it's incredibly convenient because you just plug in what you ate for a meal, and it tells you how many calories you're consuming. That may be helpful to your boyfriend - or to anyone else looking for a way to keep track of what you're eating.
Sending you good wishes, Kathy. Hang in there.
Beth
Kathy, I completely understand your concern. My husband carries some extra weight, and I'm always worrying about him. He's not obese, but he doesn't eat very healthily, and especially when he travels I really worry that something will happen to him. We see a wonderful therapist together, and one thing I've learned in the past couple of years from this therapist (and from trial and error at home) is that nothing I say or do will make my husband take care of himself the way I want him to. The only thing we really have power over is ourselves. I guess we have to figure out how to take care of ourselves and try to let go of our fear - because I think fear is at the base of so many of these situations. I don't know if you've had a chance to sit down and tell your boyfriend how much you love him and are worried about his health - if you have, then saying it again may not be the best choice. But if you haven't, maybe it would help him to hear how much you care about him and want him to be healthy. It's really a tough one, this wanting to help our loved ones take care of themselves. I'm sorry you're so worried.
On a practical note, last year I had gained fifteen pounds because of the birth control I was on, and I found that simply tracking my food online at www.sparkpeople.com was enormously helpful. I lost the weight in a few months. Sparkpeople is a free and very informative website, and it's incredibly convenient because you just plug in what you ate for a meal, and it tells you how many calories you're consuming. That may be helpful to your boyfriend - or to anyone else looking for a way to keep track of what you're eating.
Sending you good wishes, Kathy. Hang in there.
Beth
Hi everyone,
I want to thank you for your responses. I don't have time to respond to all of you individually tonight, but I will. Thank you for your responses, I never cease to marvel about the people on this site!!!
I wish I could know all of you on a more face to face level.. I will asnwer more in detail later. You are all awsome!!!!!
Love, Kathyp
I want to thank you for your responses. I don't have time to respond to all of you individually tonight, but I will. Thank you for your responses, I never cease to marvel about the people on this site!!!
I wish I could know all of you on a more face to face level.. I will asnwer more in detail later. You are all awsome!!!!!
Love, Kathyp
Birdlady
Jaco, a parrot in Salzburg, could not only speak but seemed to understand grammar. Whenever his person left, Jaco would say "God be with you." But when several people were departing, Jaco would change it to "God be with all of you."
Jaco, a parrot in Salzburg, could not only speak but seemed to understand grammar. Whenever his person left, Jaco would say "God be with you." But when several people were departing, Jaco would change it to "God be with all of you."