Really Struggling

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kate_ce1995
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Really Struggling

Post by kate_ce1995 »

I know many of you are going through far worse things, but right now, I am having lots of problems with work that is making me feel pretty rotten. My boss is on my case and telling me that I'm too negative and spreading a poison around the office. My co-workers continue to say it's our boss that is spreading the poison. But then we have been having these sessions at work with a psycologist to try to "reduce stress" as our boss "steps out of the day-to-day details" (which he is incapable of doing although we are too big now for him to be in control of all of it). Anyway a this last team meeting, we had provided comments on each staff member and then got those comments annonymously. Well, my boss and I were the only two who people said were more negative than before. Although, of the two or three people who said negative things about me, I know one of them was my boss. But it's still frustrating that they will say good things to me to my face, but then write this crap behind my back. I'm having a really hard time believing that I fit in this place and that I am even good at what I do. He is chopping me down, and it's working. We are slow this winter too, so I'm starting to worry that he'll decide to let me go.

I just don't know how to climb out of whatever hole I'm in. I can't figure out if I'm as bad as he says or if he is the one with the problem. Where I used to work, at least when someone was telling me how horrible I was, I was working for someone else who was telling me how well I was doing. Here it's his perspective only. I'd like to think that he wouldn't do anything without consulting his fellow principals in our CT office, and I don't think they would look at getting rid of staff as an option right now.

I'm not sleeping well. Everytime I wake up, these thoughts start flooding my head. Geoff won't talk to me about it because we always end up getting in a fight (he tries to see my boss's side, but that makes me mad when he says stuff that he has no knowledge of because he isn't in our office day in and day out)...it's the only thing we argue about (other than who's fault it is that the house is a cluttered mess...we usually blame that on Molly the cat!).

I just don't know what to do anymore.
Katy
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Post by Polly »

Mornin' Katy,

No wonder you are down with all of that constant negativity that surrounds you both at work and at home. Here are some positive strokes from me. :comfort:

I am one of the few members here who has actually met you. When we went out to the west coast a few years ago to meet at Sally's, you and I spent a few days afterwards seeing the sights in Portland. We spent many enjoyable hours together during sightseeing and over meals. I don't remember ever thinking that you were negative. Not at all. I think I may be more extroverted than you are - I remember how amazed you were at my assertiveness with the wait staffs in the restaurants (LOL) but were you negative? NO, IMHO. So, my hunch is that you may have become negative now because of the negative situation you are in.

All of this reminds me of a woman I saw on TV a few weeks ago. She is an Australian who has recently written the wildly-popular book (and DVD) called "The Secret". I think someone here has already mentioned this book in a post. In a nutshell, the secret is that, in the universe, like attracts like. If you project optimism and positive energy, the same will come back to you. Likewise, if you project negativity, negative energy will seek you out. I really think there is something to this since everything in the universe is made up of energy - at least if we can believe the quantum physicists.

Time magazine had an interesting issue a few weeks ago that featured the "mind-body" connection. It presented recent research that shows how much the mind impacts the body. It has been documented that thoughts alone can actually change the physical structure of the brain. They can now document how meditation over many years actually raises permanently the "happiness set point" in an individual's brain. I find meditation to be one of the most valuable activities in my life - it helps keep my mind calm and positive.

Anyway, I am thinking of you and sending positive energy your way.

Love and a :bigbighug:

Polly
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Post by Mars »

Katy,

Polly said it better than I could ever say it but I'll add my two cents in. I agree that "like begets like". I tend to be one who is very much impacted by negativity around me. I avoid it like a sore thumb!

It appears that your boss thrives on being the biggest "you know what" since his possition allows him to do so. Is it possible that you can take a "Whatever you say doesn't bother me" attitude? Not in a nasty way but with the attitude that he doesn't control your life and doesn't make you who you are. Be yourself and allow your work to speak for itself.

It appears that he has singled you out from the rest of the staff for whatever reason. Since you are unable to change him, you are able to change the way you handle him. It isn't an admition of being right or wrong, just the better person! Better than him, IMHO!!!!!!!

I'm sorry you are being treated with such obvious distain but you know what kind of person you are - you know that you are a hard worker, full of life and energy and able to do your job with skill and knowledge. That is enough to keep in the front of your mind when being confronted by him. By changing your attitude (remember, no guilt here!) you are able to take control of the situation as it affects YOU. Who cares how he feels! Teehee.

Even something as simple as putting a smile on your face and/or thinking of something that makes you extremely happy when he is on a rampage will change the way you accept the things said to you.

I hope you find what works for you to help you continue to work in the field that you obviously love and are good at. Only you can change the way what he does affects you. You need to find what that is for your own piece of mind.

PS: I believe that men and women process information differently and therefore the end result or the means to get there can be different. I'm sure that Geoff doesn't mean to insinuate that you are wrong, just that he is trying to figure out how to help you and it isn't coming across the way he intends.

Take care of yourself. I wish you only the best! :hug:


PSS: Can I borrow Molly so I have someone to blame the housework (or lack of) on? :ROFL:
Love,
Mars
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Post by tex »

Hi Katy,

I agree with all the great insight that you have already received. To add my two cents worth, I think that negativity breeds more negativity, because it is a part of the "placebo" effect, and any large drug company can tell you how bedeviling the placebo effect can actually be.

To expand on what Polly said about the power of positive thinking, consider this:

In a recent research project, 84 female housekeepers from seven hotels, were studied, to determine if the placebo effect plays a role in the benefits of exercise. Women in 4 hotels were told that their regular work was enough exercise to meet the requirements for a healthy, active lifestyle, whereas the women in the other three hotels were told nothing.

When the researchers returned four weeks later, to assess any changes in the women's health, they found that the women in the informed group had lost an average of 2 pounds, lowered their blood pressure by almost 10 percent, and were significantly healthier as measured by body-fat percentage, body mass index, and waist-to-hip ratio. Obviously, the mind has tremendous powers over the body.

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/ ... 020607.php

I can be a pretty good shade tree psychologist, when I want to be. I've never met you, but I agree with Polly, that based on what I've seen on this board, you are not by nature, a negative person. I think that your boss is poisoning your thought processes with his chronic negative attitude, and I agree with Mars, that if you are going to continue to work there, you must restore your own sense of well-being, by thinking positive thoughts, as she has suggested.

The placebo effect is real, and it is very powerful. It can alter your life in just about any way you want it to. Whether you call it meditation, thinking positively, or whatever you choose to call it, it's always available as a powerful tool to empower you to alter you life in positive ways, and best of all, it's free, and easy to use. All you have to do to harness it's powers, is to use it, and believe in it. And please don't ever forget to believe in yourself.

:grouphug:

Tex
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Post by CAMary »

Katy-

I am so sorry you are having stress @ work. Unpleasant workplaces are no fun! And a bad dynamic makes it hard to concentrate on getting your job done!

I have to say the commenting anonymously on co-workers, then having those comments handed to them seems like *no* way to help the problems going on in the workplace. I would like to see that psychologist take a solutions-based appproach rather than holding back progress by having people dwell on blame....Just my opinion, of course!

I had to play a little "armchair psychologist" myself last week - we had big *issues* in the girls dorm @ science camp. One of the other moms and I coordinated a "group meeting" where everyone hashed out their feelings face to face. 2 of the "girl moms" took a back seat, as the situation was too close to them... There had been lots of things being said behind peoples' backs, and girls feeling left out etc....When we first called the meeting, the two most responsible for stirring #($* up had "deer in the headlights" looks on their faces! Manipulative people know *exactly* what they are doing - as does your boss, I suspect. Like Polly, I met you and don't see you as a negative person, but I know I am not very assertive, and if you aren't either, your boss is taking advantage of that by hitting you in a vulnerable place. I agree, if he knows he is getting to you, that gives him more power - if you can at least give the illusion that his put-downs don't phase you, maybe he will back off a bit?? Boy, he is exhibiting classic bully behavior!

And I agree with Mars about male and female differences regarding this stuff - Geoff just has a different perspective - I'm sure he supports you 100%! I hope you can find a way to make things less stressful!

Love,

Mary
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Post by annie oakley »

I totally a gree with Polly and everyone else here on the board. I have never met you in person, but I don't feel you are natually a negative soul. You are going thru some real difficult times right now and it might be clouding the way to correct it. I grew up with a neg mother (extremly Neg) so At times I over compinsate, but alot of times I have to step back and take a long look at things to figure out that I have let all the negative stuff jump in and blind me to what I need to do. I hope this all gets better fpr you, but we are here for you. Love Oma
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Post by JJ »

Hi Katy...I don't have much to add, but I really understand the concept of "Bully Behavior". Some people have the need to put others down to build themselves up. Hang in there kiddo...I can totally identify with you.

Hugs.....JJ
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Post by Dee »

I agree with all of the replies to your post, Katy!!

I have always stated that "negativity, criticism and intimidation in the workplace are NOT motivators"...
Actually, I expressed that at my new job one day. I kept overhearing the pastry chef continue to harp, harp, harp and criticize the bread chef.. The bread chef would drop his head and then look like a dog wth it's tail between it's legs.. When I first started working there I picked up on the intimidator real quick, but I am not a shy person and I have had the opportunity thru the past 30 years to work with ALL kinds of personalities!!
Soooo, I made the statement above to the bread chef one day and loud enough for the intimidator to hear!!!!!
Funny, but I have noticed that I don't hear that criticism anymore!
IMO, as hard as it is do, DON'T REACT to this :shithead: !! Most people like that get off on a reaction!!
You know inside who you are Katy and don't let anyone take that away!

Love

Dee~~~~
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Post by jenilake »

Katy,

I have worked in a situation where, nothing I could do was right. I was lied to, lied about...things were just plain made up. I am not out going with people, and these things almost destroyed me.

I ended up seeing a Psychiatrist about this, about the time my work insisted I get personality tested by another Psychologist to determine if I was fit to do my job.

I was determined fit to do my job, but after the 3 days of testing, the Psychologist asked me if I really wanted to go back there to work. He said I had a really nice personality, but it just did not fit in with that hell hole of a workplace. His words. I decided I didn't want to put myself in that position any longer. I was throwing up on the side of the road, on the way to work or wishing my car would run off the road.

I had several years of seeing this Psychiatrist trying to understand why and how people could be so mean in a workplace. I still don't understand, but he has kept me from doing something I would be very sorry for (revenge.)

I had an emotional breakdown for about a year, part of it in a hospital. I just could not "get it" why thease people, who really didn't even know me wanted to destroy me. I honestly think I was blindsided by at least two sociopaths, who have no concience and are very suave and if crossed at all will stop at nothing to get their way.

Since I left, one person was fired for stealing money, after staging a break in to the clinic. Another was fired for embezzling. The director was fired because his personality was horrible with the staff and the patients.

Two dentists left because they couldn't take the new director.

I'm just trying to say, it sounds like you may work in a very toxic environment, and sometimes there is nothing you have the power to do about it, because of who is in charge. Sociopath??

Maybe you should look for another job where the people aren't so toxic?

My experience almost ruined my life. I almost lost my boyfriend of 22 years and my daughter thought I was losing my mind. I was!!!

I was staying up all night and sleeping all day, so I didn't have to deal with anything except my fury. I tried to sue because of the way they tried to get me fired....its a long story and I have it all documented. I went through the union, but eventually my union rep went out on a medical leave and never came back. Too much stress, he told me.

I was fighting with a teaching hospital in Oregon, OHSU. He told me, what they are doing to you, is nothing, you should see what I see on a daily basis. They have so many lawsuits, you wouldn't believe it, and they have very big guns for attnys.

I just want to say that going to a toxic job every day will wear you down and make you sick...you can also lose a lot of people around you because they don't understand the depth of the feelings you are going through.

Also someone close to you may just get tired of hearing about it, because they don't know what to do to help or change anything.

I hope this helps. Toxic people and jobs suck!!!!!!!!

Love, Kathyp
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Post by barbaranoela »

Katy------I can add nothing more than the Xpertise of advice that has been given U--

Of course I could add---but gotta be nice---

U take care of U---and dont let anyone knock U down----I know U just thru your posting and I can tell U have the *moxie* to stand up and not be stomped on----U arent a *duh* person----U have what it takes to be important and in control~~~~

luve Barbara
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Post by starfire »

You've already received a lot of good advice/opinions here so I'm not going to add anything. I am thinking of you and hoping you can work this out. It's not "just you" and don't let them badger you into thinking so.

Love, Shirley
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Post by MaggieRedwings »

Hi Katy,

I really can't add much more than what has already been said. However, I think that Dr. Psychologist needs to have a more proactive approach to the counselling and not one that is placing blame and what sounds like a negative impact.

Also, I worked for a real bully in my last job though much I never said about it here. I loved the job but the bully was too much. Created a toxic environment and I don't "Play" well with such an atmosphere or those kind of people. I am much happier in my new job and would do the same thing again in a heartbeat if I meet up with a bully. Had enough of that in my former marriage and I surely don't need it at work. Also, there is real truth in positive attitude attracting positive people and effects.

Hope things get better and if they don't, you need to consider you well being.

Love, Maggie
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Post by jenilake »

Katy,

I am sorry that I responded with too much emotion. :oops: What you said really hit a nerve with me. I think that your environment is toxic to you, but I didn't mean to come on with so much negativaty.

The others said some of the same things, but with so much more sophistication. I always seem to come on with so much emotion when something hits a nerve with me.

I really just want to tell you that your boss is a bully and that that kind of situation is toxic to you, your health and your relationship. If you can't get away from that boss, he can make you sick.

I hope you can find a work situation that fits you, where your boss values you instead of bullying you to make himself look better.

:pulsinghearts: Kathyp :birds:
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Jaco, a parrot in Salzburg, could not only speak but seemed to understand grammar. Whenever his person left, Jaco would say "God be with you." But when several people were departing, Jaco would change it to "God be with all of you."
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Post by artteacher »

Hi Katy,

I think we'll all show up to beat somebody up for you. Just say the word. Imagine if you weren't in that office dynamic . . they would still have problems, wouldn't they?

Hugs, Marsha
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