Recent sins

[Sally]

There are too many in my life to list here. It would make interesting reading, though.

Anyway, when I got home from Montana and even before on the plane, I cried and cried and cried because I thought I would have to tell Allen goodbye forever. I was hungry, exhausted, and very lonely from just having left him.

The reason I thought I couldn't see him anymore? He is an alcoholic.

The first man I ever loved, my father, was an alcoholic. That set up a life-long pattern with me of being attracted to other alcoholics or people with "broken wings." I have had some terrible experiences along the way and have reacted to them by cutting and running. Sometimes this has been the right thing to do, but not always. I never stopped to THINK and discriminate. Yes, sometimes being able to discriminate if a Good Thing.

Allen has been beat up on all his life by others in his family etc. etc. because he is a rebel. So have I. We fit nicely together since we both know the paople who beat us up. Parents, grandparents. and so forth. I realized that I was about to become just another person to beat him up because of what MIGHT happen.

Allen has never done anything to me, but be loving, comforting, supportive, funny as hell, and gentle. All that good stuff. And he lives 1000 miles away and neither of us has any intention of moving in with the other.

After I rested I started to think like a grown-up. I have always reacted to negative things in my life by flying into a panic. Even something as unimportant as a flat tire. Everything. Well, so Allen is not perfect. Neither am I. He sat and listened attentively as I told him about my MC and he understands it as well as anyone who does not have it can. That counts for a lot. On the day when I had a little flare-up he stayed with me and literally nursed me back to normalcy. Nobody could have been kinder and more thoughtful.

Now am I going to abandon this person whom I have told I love just because of something that MIGHT happen??? No. That would be childish and cowardly. Life is full of uncertainties and being a grown-up means being able to cope with its ambiguities. If and when Allen does something that is inappropriate, then I will re-think this whole situation. In the meantime I am going to go right ahead and love him as much as I do and always have.

The confession here is not about Allen. It is about me. How at 63 you can still think like a child. A spoiled child. That has stopped. The panic is over. And if I do panic, that is not the time to make decisions. Thank God I came to my senses before I made a horrible mistake and hurt someone for no real reason.

Love is not just a feeling, it is a conscious activity.

Love,

Sally

[Polly]

Dear Sally,

I was moved to tears by your insightful and poignant post. It brought two things to mind.

The first is my favorite definition of love......by F. Scott Peck in one of his books: "Love is the willingness to extend yourself to allow someone else to grow."

The second is how difficult it can be to overcome negative childhood experiences and perceptions. I have a story to illustrate this. A Jewish friend of mine (Ursula) lived with her family in Germany as the Nazis were becoming more powerful. When it became obvious that their lives were in danger, the parents arranged for 11 year old Ursula and her younger brother to escape to England. Some strangers came to pick up the two children in the middle of the night without any prior discussion. Ursula never saw her parents again - they were taken to a concentration camp within a few days of the kids' escape and were later murdered.

To this day, Ursula is angry with her parents. When I point out that they did the ultimate unselfish act......i.e. saved their children's lives without thought for their own safety.....she simply cannot see this. She feels that they abandoned her. She still sees the whole situation from the perspective of that 11 year old little girl who vividly recalls those feelings of shock, panic, and abandonment that terrible night. When I point out what a long and wonderful life she has had because of her parents' love and protection, she will say in all sincerity that she would rather not have been sent away, that she would rather have died there with them. To her, that is preferable to having been abandoned. She is not able to look at this situation from an adult perspective. And in every other way, she is totally rational - she is a brilliant, highly-educated, well-respected, happily married grandmother who is nuts about her family and would do anything for them. But when I asked her if she were ever in the same situation (God forbid) and had the opportunity to save her daughter's life by sending her away, she said that she would not do it.

Love,

Polly

[harvest_table]

Sally,

I'm sorry that your new found love is an alcoholic. It makes for a rocky road. I hope you will sort things out. We are here for you.

Love,
Joanna

[TendrTummy]

Dear Sally,

What a wonderful "confession". More like a realization of the power of your own mind. I have a friend whose father is an alcoholic, and unfortunately, instead of going the way you have chosen, she has chosen to follow in his footsteps - only worse, she has become a crack addict. The point is, you overcame your father's addiction and went in the opposite direction. That's a wonderful thing, and difficult to do! You should be proud of that.

I'm not sure what your relationship with your father was like, but I get the impression that it left more to be desired. Maybe you felt rejected or like his alcohol was more important to him than you were. Either way, there is something you must remember in times like these: you *cannot* hold the sins of your father against Allen. What someone did to you in the past is not necessarily the same as what someone is doing to you now, even tho it may FEEL the same. You're recalling the feelings you had as a child and it makes you feel uneasy and want to run. But I'm glad you've come to your senses and see that just because he's an alcoholic, does NOT mean he's abusive (verbally or physically), and he is not your father.

I've had many relationships, starting when I was 15, where I was lied to, cheated on, again and again. Almost EVERY relationship I've EVER been in. At first, I thought it was me. I became anorexic. And I started to hold it against every man in every new relationship. I'd accuse them of things before it even happened. This is no way to live a life. Eventually I had to realize that if I wanted to have a relationship with someone, I was going to have to forgive MYSELF for what people have done to me in the past, and let go - give of myself freely without concern for my emotional safety. I have to say, until recently I was unable to do this. I believe it took my divorce for me to realize that if you don't have TRUST in a relationship, what DO you have???

Luckily at that point, I met Trent, and altho I have my slip-ups, and sometimes regress to thinking I'm going to get hurt and hiding my feelings, Trent realizes this and helps me through it. If you're going to have a relationship with Allen, you should consider "coming clean" to him - telling him all of your fears concerning his alcoholism. Let him assure you that things will not be like they were in your childhood, and believe him. I'm sure he's been thru a lot, and realizes the importance of a conversation like this.... and will be able to recognize and help you overcome your fears when they arise again, as they probably will now and again..

Good luck!! I wish you the best! :) Just remember that if you love the person, you love them for their faults as well as their strengths. Nobody is perfect and anyone who claims to be is mistaken..

Christine

[starfire]

From Christine's post.........
If you're going to have a relationship with Allen, you should consider "coming clean" to him - telling him all of your fears concerning his alcoholism. Let him assure you that things will not be like they were in your childhood, and believe him. I'm sure he's been thru a lot, and realizes the importance of a conversation like this.... and will be able to recognize and help you overcome your fears when they arise again, as they probably will now and again..
--------------------------------------
I think she has uncommon insight.

Glad you are willing to "keep on" and take the chance.

[Sally]

Well, Christine, your post made ME cry. You DO have a great deal of insight into this problem. You are right about coming clean and having a talk with Allen, I'm not going to just dump this on him, however, but thoughtfully and carefully pick the right time. Thank you so much for the advice.

Thank ALL of you, also. You are the most intelligent, caring, and compassionate group of people I have ever known. I have known quite a few compassionate individuals in my time, but never in a group like this. We are a miracle.

Your story about Ursula made me cry, too, Polly. I don't know this woman at all, but I can feel what she feels. It is so HARD to overcome the terrors of our childhoods and to learn to forgive others and oneself.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

Sally

[TendrTummy]

Hey Gals :)

I've always been able to give decent suggestions to people. I've been through a lot in my 28 years.. from adoption/giving up a child to divorce. I can pretty much relate my own experiences to almost anything. Following my OWN advice is always a challenge, tho.

Anyway, I just wanted to say this is nice :) And I hope we can continue to divulge our deepest fears and emotional crises to each other. Let's face it: we're women. We're emotional. Emotional stress causes GI stress, and THAT, we don't need.

Christine