Not sure what to do...need advice please

[Umber]

I decided that I need to visit the site where my brother was found. I know I will be sorry if I don't. We will go on Saturday. The security guard for the owners of the property said that the sheriffs office left a lot of my brothers things & their trash. My brother was such a nature man. He would have a fit if he knew they left a mess. So we are going to clean it up and hopefully this is the place to spread his ashes.

The security guard took photos. The sheriffs office refused to let me see the pictures they took, even though I was a little demanding. The guard has offered to let me see them if I want. I'm not sure how this will effect me.....in some way I feel if I see the pictures then I will have confirmation (if that makes sense) that it is him. On the other hand I don't know if it will be worse for me to see him that way and should I just leave it alone.

The security guard said he had a friend that thought she saw my brother on some sort of shuttle bus she rode. It sure got our hopes up but when I sent a photo she said it wasn't him.

Does this hurt ever end? I have been on vacation this week I find I do better when I am at work and able to divert my attention on other things.

I need some insight about the pictures. I am so torn and can't seem to make a decision about it. What do you think?

Thanks for the help, I appreciate it...

Hugs

Lori

[Momster]

My advice is not to look at the pictures, Lori. You know he has been positively identified and looking at pictures of a body that isn't recognisable won't do anything but upset you and leave a lasting, nasty memory. Better to remember him as he was.
You will find peace eventually. It takes a long time, but it will come to the point when you will remember more of the good times and not the bad.
I lost a brother, so can certainly relate. It's been about 4 years now and I still get twinges when I talk about it, but I remember so many good times and the quality life he lived and find peace in that.

It is good to be busy, but it won't go away until you deal with your feelings and come to terms with them. Let yourself grieve in your own way and time - you are the only one who knows what that entails, but don't try to push it aside and bottle your feelings up.

All I can do is send my love and a big . This emoticon is especially good because it shows you hugging yourself and that's what you have to do.

Love from your friend,

Irene

[jenilake]

Hi Umber,

My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia and died on the street with phenomia. I didn't know where he was, so I could help. It was a long journey with my family and him, trying to get help.

I just want to tell you that I wish I had been there and able to help so much. It is a long story, but I wish I had done things so differently in the years that came before his death.

I feel so much guilt, but I know he forgives me. I just feel it, and he has come to me in dreams, only two times. But that is something.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but if I could do it over I would go to see where he was and what happened to him.

That is just me and my pain. You should do what causes you the most comfort. It was not your fault, it is all for you now. What will ease your grief. He is in a better place now.

Love, Kathyp

[Umber]

I guess my problem is that he wasn't "positively" identified. They didn't match dental records nor DNA. The coroner said she felt "comfortable" determining that it was him. I don't know, maybe I am looking for closure. So many unanswered questions. I wish I knew.....then when someone thought they saw him riding on a bus in came the doubt.

It is all so strange, the whole thing is like something you would see on Court TV.

Thanks for your help.....

[Mars]

Lori,

I sure wish I could tell you what to do but your heart will guide you. IMHO, I would NOT look at the pictures. It would be better to remember your brother laughing, smiling and loving you all. An unrecognizable picture that is in the condition you described would leave you with terrible memories and further guilt even though nothing is your fault.

Happy memories will help the healing and will keep your brother with you in spirit and in your heart. I'm not so sure that pictures like that will help you and give you closure.

It is nice that you are cleaning up the items left by everyone. Maybe THAT will give you closure knowing that that is what your brother would have wanted.

You and your family will be kept in my prayers. You should know that your kindness and thoughfullness should do more for closure than anything else.

Love to you and your family,
Mars

[jenilake]

Hi Umber,

I just posted, and I think it got lost, or I didn't do something right. So it might come up twice.

My brother was diagnosed with Schzophrenia, and died on the street of pnenomia. I wish I had been able to be there, but I didn't know where he was. My family had a long history with his illness, in and out of hospitals, etc.

What I want to say is I have a lot of guilt, and I wish I could have gone back and been with him, or seen where he died, so I could have captured some of his energy.

I'm just saying, you have to deal with your grief now. You don't have to do what someone else thinks you should do. Bottom line is you have to take care of you. That is the most important thing.

Please do what is right for you and what you can live with long term, because, in my experience, it never completely goes away.

My prayers and good vibes are with you.

Kathyp

[starfire]

Lori,
Even though you don't feel you have a definite ID, I have severe doubts that you would feel any differently about that after viewing the pictures. You must do what you feel you must but I don't think I would look at them if I were in your position.

I know it has to be awful to lose a loved one that way, and the way Kathy lost her brother also but I believe trying to hold on to the better memories would be the thing to do at this point. Just my opinion.

Love, Shirley

[jenilake]

Lori,

Didn't you say that they found his drivers liscense? If they did, I don't see any reason for you to see the pictures, unless you decide you want to.

I know in my case something like that would stay in my mind forever. The memory never fades. I don't like seeing images on tv of awful things, never leaves my mental picture.

If that would happen to you maybe it would be better for you not to. I didn't go to my mom's funeral because I couldn't stand to see her like that. I'm not sorry, she knew how much I loved her.

I went to my husbands, (we were so young though) it was awful to see him like that. I wish I hadn't had to go, it was military, and I was put in a position from various people where I felt I couldn't let everyone else down.

Being older, I would do what I want now, the picture I have in my mind of him is mine, not theirs. They have forgotton about him I'm sure.

It is a hard decision, but what about the drivers liscense and other ID, doesn't that help you know?

Love, Kathyp

[tex]

Lori,

That's a tough decision to have to make, since it will almost surely have long-term consequences. I don't have an easy answer, but, like everyone else, I have an opinion, and it concurs with most of the opinions that have been posted so far.

Personally, I make a point of remembering everyone who leaves my life, in the most positive light that I can. That means that I remember the good things, and I try to forget the bad things, and it works for me, because the bad things will slowly disappear from memory, unless we dwell on them. If we dwell on them, those bitter memories will last forever.

If the experts were unable to make a positive ID, it's almost guaranteed that you won't be able to, either. Looking at those gruesome images will only reinforce the negative visualizations that you now have, and they can only "validate" your worst fears.

While I'm sure the security guard feels that he is being helpful, by volunteering that information, I get the impression that while he has good intentions, he doesn't really know how to help. Reporting that a friend of his, for example, saw someone on a bus, that could have been your brother, is not being helpful, unless he had checked out the information beforehand, to verify that it was accurate. That's simply unprofessional. You can be sure that there are some very good reasons why the sheriff's office chose to withhold the photos. They've probably been through this many times before, and are acting on the advice of psychiatrists, and other trained professionals.

Still, if you can't rest without seeing those pictures, then you are between a rock and a hard place, and you have to make the decision that is best for you. One thing is for sure, though, seeing those pictures would not be a comforting experience. I agree though, that you probably need to visit the site, and helping to clean up the debris that has been left behind, will probably be beneficial for the healing process.

I wish I had the right words, to convey some comfort, but as you know, grief is a very personal thing. Thinking of you.

Hugs,
Tex

[CAMary]

Lori-

If I were you I would not look at the pictures. I don't think they would provide enough physical evidence to reassure you of his identity, and seeing them would be pretty upsetting and emotional, I am sure. Can they do a dental/DNA evaluation to give you the certainty/closure you are seeking?

My grandfather died when I was 6 and in the first grade. We attended his open-casket funeral. That image of him is the *only* one I can remember - I can even remember the details of the suit he was wearing...I cannot recall a living image of him, even though I saw him several times a year as a young child. I recently told my mom this, and she feels badly I cannot remember him otherwise. For that reason I would avoid viewing the photos...

I'm sorry you are hurting. I will keep your family in my prayers...

Mary

[barbaranoela]

Lori---I have to agree--it is a tug of the heart decision but yet it might not make things better if U look @ the pictures--

I agree with Wayne----and as Mary asked----how about dental/DNA to bring closure to U and your family---


U would want to remember your brother as U always did--not the way he left this world--

I hope U find peace inside of yourself--

luve Barbara

[annie oakley]

Gee That is a tough decision.......I agree with the others that it may not make you feel differntly but after all you have to decide. I would have to be in that position to decide. Some people need conformation and others don't. I know that when My mother died My sister and I cleaned and dressed our mother for buriel, it was because we had to preform certain procedures for her faith. And I found it very closing for me. I will pray that you make the decision that is right for you.
In answer to does the hurt ever stop.....We always Miss them, we just learn how to cope. Love you Oma