No new pictures yet, I don't have an internet connection at home and uploading pictures on a public network takes ages since most of them (at least here) are not very quick.
I am going to a difficult time. Although I still not do regret coming here, doesn't mean I always like it and it is always great. There have been days I really considered the option of going home. One of those days I just walked around in a mall (or two going from the one to the other) looking for stuff for my new place to buy, and couldn’t find a shop where to buy it. Just looking for a simple department story, like in the US you have the wallmarkt or macy (if I am right about the names), just shops where you can buy towels, a shower curtain, a good knife, adapter to get plugs in the socket etc. etc. etc. These things can really drive my grazy. Like I have another challenge too, where on earth do I find duct tape here? Again sounds simple, but not here, I am in a mall now, the abdoun mall, and what does this mall have clothes, bags, shoes, glasses shops and expensive perfume shops. Not the shops I am looking for.
And believe it makes you feel real stupid to (again) have to call somebody and ask where can I buy?
I am still in a sort of culture shock; so many things are organized in totally different way than in Holland (read Europe, read the whole western world). I call it the Arab way; things can go so slowly here, slowly in a complicated way. Like getting your drink in a bar or cafe, before you got the attention of one of the waiters. It is not that there are so busy (very often more staff than customers) or that they are not willing to help you, no not at all, in general everybody is very kind and helpful. But it just takes time before they see my waving, looking for eye contact. And this, what I am talking about, it is not the typical Arabic places, no there strangely enough, it works quicker. No it is those places where a lot of foreigners come and is trying to focus on the upmarket area.
And patience is not my strongest point. And again sometimes it seems we (the people here and I) speak a different kind of English. In a way that is true. Of course we speak the same language, but we use the language in a different way. For me speaking English with natives (especially brutish) is easy because we have the same way to saying things. Of course not everything, but a lot of the things yes, we say in our own language the same. But since I started to learn Arabic I noticed Arabic is total different language, in things how you say hi to each other, of course you say hi, but then there comes a lot of expression that involves god. Also they don't know the verbs to be and to have and also to want does not exist at all or are used in totally different way.
This difference can give you a feeling, I don't know if anybody recognizes this, but that you talk to somebody and you know they understand (or I hope) the words that I say, but don't get the meaning of it at all.
It is the same feeling I have when I speak to Dutch speaking people in Belgium sometimes, although we both speak exactly the same language, it sometimes can give me that they speak a totally different language. Express things in a different but most of all interact in a different way with each other. I think that is my main problem here at the moment. Interacting with the people (beside the language) , what is normal behaviour and what is not. And than they can say just be yourself, but that is the problem I don’t know how the be myself here, that is what I am trying to find out here.
My MC is behaving very well!! I am thinking of lowering the medication to one capsule every other day or maybe quitting at all. I have introduced some new foods in the diet, green beans and red beets, without any problem. I only go once or twice a day to toilet, firm to semi firm BM's.
At the moment the difficult part is the loneliness, I haven't made many friends yet, anything I try doesn't work out and the harder I try the less it seems to work. To make new friends I know I should go out more, but I just don't have the energy. The normal daily life is already taking so much energy. The most difficult part at the moment is accepting things as the way they are and being able to just "be" with the loneliness, knowing it is just a temporary thing that will pass. And that also from this feeling there is something to learn.
A second difficult thing is, don't know what to do with my time. I have my Arabic course where I spend a lot of time on, but 24 hrs. a day. A lot of time I am just bored, want to go out, but don't know where and if I go out I end up in a place that I wonder what I am doing here or (again) got lost. And then being angry with myself and feeling stupid of getting lost again. So there is quite a lot of time at the moment that I am at home sitting on the sofa, wondering what I am doing wrong or ,that, this is maybe just a part of a normal process. My challenge at the moment is not to run away from it, or, trying to solve it, but just be with it, feel thru it, going thru it. And also that goes with ups and downs. The good thing is, when I am capable of feeling thru it, there is an amazing energy and a new state of being under needs it. Like feeling really connected with my innerself.
I also have the idea, the feeling things are not working in the direction I want, because the inner connection is lacking. And running away from it and trying to solve things even makes it worse. But knowing what you have to do and what works and actually doing it are two different things.
Than my main problem at the moment is (a lack of) sleep. I moved to a new place, nice place, great neighbourhood, quiet residential area. You could call it the diplomat area, a lot of foreigners living here. Good thing is I feel more comfortable on the street. But in the end it is not a part of Amman - Jordan where I would like to stay. All the places I go to here are really upmarket focussing on the high class people with money. Well I am not high class and I am not rich, but it is so not me, leaving your rubbish bag outside and the doorman bring it to the bin 20 meter further up in the street. Or since I have too much time anyway, to get a cleaning lady to do my house (okay as soon as I have a full time job I will). Also I have the feeling taxi driver treat you in a different way if you say you want to go to abdoun (area where I live now) calling m'm (are how you call it in English yes m'm short for madam) and want to assist you with things (read earn money) with things I am perfectly capable of doing myself, for example carry my bags. Or ask the doorman to wipe the outside terrace (again what is wrong with my own hands), but I have the feeling people look a bit strange at me when I do all those things myself. Although I put the carbidge bag outside now for the doorman.
And all those "high class" places they like to call it hear, are boring. I am in a mall now (with internet connection) in abdoun, shops from very expensive brands, extremely quiet and most people walking around here (Jordanian and from outside) being too impressed by themselves (as in any posh area).But interesting to observe. Exactly the thing in the Netherlands I was trying to getting away from (in the Netherlands in general everybody seems to be impressed by themselves and everybody is so busy with "being" important, with their jobs, new cars, new clothes). And then I end up here in a neighbourhood like, because the Arabic was a bit too much for me.
While writing this, it looks like I am still in a transition. Still not 100% arrived here, not really 100% here. But that probably takes time and the less I try to fight this process, the easier and quicker it will go.
Well, a long story again, it nice to be able to write things down in a way that maybe some people may read it.
My plans for the coming week are, well is, only one plan, to finally finish my cv/resume. I want to start looking for a job here; I even don't care about the payment at the moment, just something to do, to get a start here. Although I will be picky on what I am going to do (if I have the choice).
And now I am going to post this long message
an amman update
Moderators: Rosie, JFR, Gabes-Apg, grannyh, Gloria, Mars, starfire, Joefnh
WOW!!! You are so brave!!!
I know you have a lot of uncertainty and unease with the situation but you are definitely trying and (I read, unafraid) to keep on....... keeping on.
Perhaps you need the area you are in now to help you ease into the kind of place you want to be. There has to be a LOT of culture shock involved in a move like this and you probably can't expect to feel comfortable and "at home" for some time.
As far as doing your own "work" with your own hands........ go for it. It doesn't matter if they think you are "different". Perhaps they will learn something from YOU.
Thanks so much for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with us. We learn from your posts.
Love, Shirley
I know you have a lot of uncertainty and unease with the situation but you are definitely trying and (I read, unafraid) to keep on....... keeping on.
Perhaps you need the area you are in now to help you ease into the kind of place you want to be. There has to be a LOT of culture shock involved in a move like this and you probably can't expect to feel comfortable and "at home" for some time.
As far as doing your own "work" with your own hands........ go for it. It doesn't matter if they think you are "different". Perhaps they will learn something from YOU.
Thanks so much for sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with us. We learn from your posts.
Love, Shirley
When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber"
-- Winston Churchill
-- Winston Churchill
-
Gabes-Apg
- Emperor Penguin
- Posts: 8330
- Joined: Mon Dec 21, 2009 3:12 pm
- Location: Hunter Valley NSW Australia
Wow Harma
what a journey, a personal journey. Thank you for trusting us with this honest post.
it is sometimes hard to let things happen in their time, especially when you are feeling unsettled and a bit lost. I dont think many of us had patience before MC, and i know in my case i am still learning its true value.
stop breathe and follow your heart, dont let your head get in the way too much.....
take care, big hugs and here if you need us
what a journey, a personal journey. Thank you for trusting us with this honest post.
it is sometimes hard to let things happen in their time, especially when you are feeling unsettled and a bit lost. I dont think many of us had patience before MC, and i know in my case i am still learning its true value.
stop breathe and follow your heart, dont let your head get in the way too much.....
take care, big hugs and here if you need us
Gabes Ryan
"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned"
Dalai Lama
"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned"
Dalai Lama
Dear Harma,
I think that staying for a while in a safe but boring, "westernized" neighborhood makes good sense for now. Think of it as a "base camp", from which to go out and explore more interesting places and your next move.
All the best for your adventures and good news that MC is behaving quite well!, Ant
I think that staying for a while in a safe but boring, "westernized" neighborhood makes good sense for now. Think of it as a "base camp", from which to go out and explore more interesting places and your next move.
All the best for your adventures and good news that MC is behaving quite well!, Ant
Hi Harma,
I hope you are starting to adjust. Having traveled in Arabic countries, it is definitely harder if you are a female and out on your own. I always visited those countries for work and was always required to have a travel buddy (usually male) because I was female. Several times in the hotels while I was waiting in the lobby for my travel buddy, the staff would let me know friendly areas if I was wandering out on my own. They said a single girl of my age outside and not in traditional clothing was still viewed by many as a prostitute or a tourist. Of course, I was traveling for the military and the military locations aren't exactly tourist areas, so prostitute it was - and I definitely am not! Even in places like the airport, some of the customer service personnel would only talk to my male travel buddy. If you can find someone to wander around with you for a few outings, it will help immensely. Each neighborhood has some marking (like certain flags), look from the customer service people or saying that will let you know if they are friendly to foreigners or not. Someone in your neighborhood should be able to give you some tips. The other thing I discovered traveling in Arabic speaking countries is that the people in the local stores are very customer service oriented. If they find out you are new to the neighborhood and there's something you use regularly and are having a hard time finding, it just may suddenly appear at the store - and they'll probably catch you walking down the street near the store to tell you when it arrives.
I'm glad your MC is behaving for such a big event. Moving is always an ordeal, but you'll be in a routine before you know it!
Best,
Karen
I hope you are starting to adjust. Having traveled in Arabic countries, it is definitely harder if you are a female and out on your own. I always visited those countries for work and was always required to have a travel buddy (usually male) because I was female. Several times in the hotels while I was waiting in the lobby for my travel buddy, the staff would let me know friendly areas if I was wandering out on my own. They said a single girl of my age outside and not in traditional clothing was still viewed by many as a prostitute or a tourist. Of course, I was traveling for the military and the military locations aren't exactly tourist areas, so prostitute it was - and I definitely am not! Even in places like the airport, some of the customer service personnel would only talk to my male travel buddy. If you can find someone to wander around with you for a few outings, it will help immensely. Each neighborhood has some marking (like certain flags), look from the customer service people or saying that will let you know if they are friendly to foreigners or not. Someone in your neighborhood should be able to give you some tips. The other thing I discovered traveling in Arabic speaking countries is that the people in the local stores are very customer service oriented. If they find out you are new to the neighborhood and there's something you use regularly and are having a hard time finding, it just may suddenly appear at the store - and they'll probably catch you walking down the street near the store to tell you when it arrives.
I'm glad your MC is behaving for such a big event. Moving is always an ordeal, but you'll be in a routine before you know it!
Best,
Karen
Oh, Harma, I feel for you. I think I would have gone home by now. I hope you find what you're seeking, and that you can find it soon. You've gotten some good counsel, but in the end, the decisions you make have to be ones that make you comfortable.
Would it be possible for someone in your family to come and visit you? Maybe a little reunion with someone familiar would help you put things in better perspective and help the loneliness.
Gloria
Would it be possible for someone in your family to come and visit you? Maybe a little reunion with someone familiar would help you put things in better perspective and help the loneliness.
Gloria
You never know what you can do until you have to do it.
Thanks all again for your responses, it is so great, I have this place to not just share my mc stories but also other life experiences. The moment of thinking going home, or just moments, there is still a lot in between, actually changing my ticket, packing my suitcase.
While walking to the Starbucks coffee thing (for the internet connection) I realized, that I am doing at the moment what I want to do with my life, my life goal, building up a new life in a new country. Its amazing how you can actually start something and later on realizing but this what I am doing now, that is my new life goal (that is what I have been lacking for almost 1.5 years).
There are also a lot of positive things, I am feeling alive again, I am feeling challenged again (at the moment in every aspect of my life). I like doing my Arabic course (also goes with a lot of frustration sometimes, but also I like the experience that I am still capable of learning the new vocabulary in the same time and speed than 25 years ago in high school, so what BS, if you get older things are more difficult, it is not true!!! Just don't believe it, my two class mates are I think 18 - 20 years and a boy of 15 years. I don't have to idea they are must faster than I am, or learn it much easier.
Karen, interesting that you spend quite some time in Arab countries too; I think Jordan is one of the easier countries. With a lot of foreigners, but I do recognize what you are talking about. I happened to me at least once, while walking on the street, a man in car thought I was a prostitute, he stopped 20 meter in front of me, I passed him (and ignored him) and he moved on. But that is the way prostitution seems to work here. That is one of things that frustrates me a lot here, not being capable of doing a lot of thing on my own. Like going out. If I do that, they think you are in "the business". I once went to gathering (for a whole group) in a hotel bar and there were some single women and from some of them the way they were dressed, almost for sure, they were prostitutes. It is that their dress is just a little too short, too tight or a cleavage that you think "is that normal for here??" But during day time, there a lot of places where it is fine to be as a single woman just on your own.
Gloria, no my family will not come over at the moment, my sister is not well at the moment, she has a mental breakdown and my parents, well, and they are not really travellers. But a close friend will visit me in couple of weeks and I am looking forward for that.
Of course I want to make new friends here and get to know some people here, but it is just it takes time and the harder I try, the less it seems to work. But also today I saw an ad for an archaeological club here and then I thought yes that is what interests me here, so let's give that a try. I try to look for something else in that direction (why didn't I think about that before).
Good idea ant, just to see my house in my neighbourhood now as a base camp.
Also ant, Gloria and Shirley thanks for responses and encouraging words. It really means a lot to me.
harma
While walking to the Starbucks coffee thing (for the internet connection) I realized, that I am doing at the moment what I want to do with my life, my life goal, building up a new life in a new country. Its amazing how you can actually start something and later on realizing but this what I am doing now, that is my new life goal (that is what I have been lacking for almost 1.5 years).
There are also a lot of positive things, I am feeling alive again, I am feeling challenged again (at the moment in every aspect of my life). I like doing my Arabic course (also goes with a lot of frustration sometimes, but also I like the experience that I am still capable of learning the new vocabulary in the same time and speed than 25 years ago in high school, so what BS, if you get older things are more difficult, it is not true!!! Just don't believe it, my two class mates are I think 18 - 20 years and a boy of 15 years. I don't have to idea they are must faster than I am, or learn it much easier.
Karen, interesting that you spend quite some time in Arab countries too; I think Jordan is one of the easier countries. With a lot of foreigners, but I do recognize what you are talking about. I happened to me at least once, while walking on the street, a man in car thought I was a prostitute, he stopped 20 meter in front of me, I passed him (and ignored him) and he moved on. But that is the way prostitution seems to work here. That is one of things that frustrates me a lot here, not being capable of doing a lot of thing on my own. Like going out. If I do that, they think you are in "the business". I once went to gathering (for a whole group) in a hotel bar and there were some single women and from some of them the way they were dressed, almost for sure, they were prostitutes. It is that their dress is just a little too short, too tight or a cleavage that you think "is that normal for here??" But during day time, there a lot of places where it is fine to be as a single woman just on your own.
Gloria, no my family will not come over at the moment, my sister is not well at the moment, she has a mental breakdown and my parents, well, and they are not really travellers. But a close friend will visit me in couple of weeks and I am looking forward for that.
Of course I want to make new friends here and get to know some people here, but it is just it takes time and the harder I try, the less it seems to work. But also today I saw an ad for an archaeological club here and then I thought yes that is what interests me here, so let's give that a try. I try to look for something else in that direction (why didn't I think about that before).
Good idea ant, just to see my house in my neighbourhood now as a base camp.
Also ant, Gloria and Shirley thanks for responses and encouraging words. It really means a lot to me.
harma
-
MaggieRedwings
- King Penguin
- Posts: 3865
- Joined: Tue May 31, 2005 3:16 am
- Location: SE Pennsylvania
HI Harma,
I SO admire your fortitude, strength of character and beliefs, and your keeping on - keeping on. I also think that to be where you are in Jordan is probably the better way to start out and be yourself - the heck with all the snooty people. If you get lost, I am sure you will still find your way home.
I am sure you are going to succeed in this and remember, we are always here for you and are your family so keep in contact with us and "unload" when you have to.
Love, Maggie
I SO admire your fortitude, strength of character and beliefs, and your keeping on - keeping on. I also think that to be where you are in Jordan is probably the better way to start out and be yourself - the heck with all the snooty people. If you get lost, I am sure you will still find your way home.
I am sure you are going to succeed in this and remember, we are always here for you and are your family so keep in contact with us and "unload" when you have to.
Love, Maggie
Maggie Scarpone
___________________
Resident Birder - I live to bird and enjoy life!
___________________
Resident Birder - I live to bird and enjoy life!