not one of my best days today

[harma]

Again not pictures, I am just using this part of message board for my Amman experiences. I am still in the tail of my flare up. Actually after it was better today it is worse. I think it is partly due to my attempt to lower the medication again and eating the wrong food. Fresh orange juice, I should know by know that any fresh juice, is not good for me. And one of the new veggies, I am not sure about that too, the green beans. So no more green beens and fresh orange juice. Back to basics again and on a full capsule budenofalk every day.

The flare also makes my tired and gives me a headache.

And when I am not feeling well (mc like) I find it more difficult to deal with the diet too. Every time I want to leave the house I have to make sure that I take enough food with me...sigh...longer than a couple of hours a whole lunch and for a shorter time banana's, banana's, banana's. Where would we be without banana's. I also buy small can's of fruit. Not the most healthy thing, but taste good and easy to take with me.

Positive things, I have started to make some friends, finally. Tomorrow I have a coffee with a dutch girl. I met a very nice finnish lady at my arabic school where I also will have coffee (in my case tea) with next week. And I met a nice lady from my apartment building. I was walking home from one of my supermarkets near, when she stopped and gave me a ride back home (for the last 200 meters). I was so surprized and so delighted that she made the attempt to get in touch with me. It is not like we are great friends now, but at least I know somebody now in my building.

No local friends yet. I don't know yet how and where to find arabic women. Although that is not true, I will have coffee too, with the woman where I rented my first apartment from.

Another positive thing is, that the weather here is still great (especially for the end of october, normal for here, but for a dutch girl used to the dutch climate not) and the weather in holland is just horrible (rain wind and 12 degrees celsius). Okay it is cooling down here now, that means below 30 degrees, but than still sun sun sun. It is amazing how quick you get used to nice warm weather, at least I do. I just love the dry heat. Can't get enough of it.

Finally I had yesterday one good night sleep, I went to bed by 8, yes 8, I was so tired and got up this morning at 7.

At the moment the difficulty is accepting the things the way they are. The flare up, but also other things. The friend making things, when I finally gave up, trying so hard it seems it started to work. Also this seems to work after I could be with my loneliness and it was okay to be lonely here. To be lonely at all. And also in my medication asking god's help with this. To me "being able to be with the loneliness and being able to feel it" and "asking god for help with it " almost seems to be the same thing. I discovered that, when I am really capable of feeling what is there, being with what is just there and that that is okay, is my way of getting in touch with god. Or experiencing god. Believe this is not always easy. I always want to solve things, control it.

Another things, at the moment, what I am trying very hard to organize (without any success) is finding a job. Before I can start looking I need a good cv. My goal for this week was finishing my cv. Is it done? of course not. Okay I made some progress. I emailed it to a couple of friends for some input. Of course no response (or only little)..sigh..again the harder I try, the less it works.

Also since my flare up, I am not at my best at the moment. Find it hard to concentrate. So also here maybe first it has to be okay, that I feel bored here. Yes it is amazing, but I have to admit, my life is quite empty here at the moment. You would say a new city so much to explore. Of course there is, but when the mood is not there. I tried to do something yesterday and it was just not a success. The right mood is just lacking it seems. Also going out is than a solution, trying to escape from the empty boring parts of life at the moment.

Also mid december is coming closer and closer, than I will fly back to Holland and before that I hope to have build some kind of network here or maybe even have found a job. Something that gives me a reason to come back and a reason to stay here. But also that is another thing, the more I fear it, the less it will work.

This feeling of emptiness, what to do with my live, is nothing new, it was already there before I left holland. It has been there since the MC started. And looking back that already has become much better since I arrived here.

[adelie]

Hi Harma,

Sorry to hear about your flare. With such a life changing move, stress and nervousness from the situation probably aren't helping with the MC symptoms. I'm glad to hear you're starting to make a few friends. Just having the appointment to have coffee with someone can be very help when you're bored and feeling lonely. It gives you a reason to get out of bed, cleaned up and out of the pajamas, which sometimes may feel like a chore at first (especially if you aren't feeling well), but is usually refreshing by the end of the day. If I remember right, November is great in terms of outside temperatures and would be a good time to get out and explore.

Hang in there. It only gets better,
Karen

[Gabes-Apg]

Harma

I empathise with alot of what you are saying....

and i am totally jealous..... if only i could eat banana's (or any fruit) eating on the run would be way way easier

Pleased there are small positives, be patient i am sure there will be more.

take care, dont feel too overwhelmed. If you want some help with your CV send me a PM, happy to help out.....


big hugs

[Ginny]

Harma, having a flare does not help anyone's moods or thoughts. I am in awe of you, as many others, to make this journey in the first place. Reading your threads tells me about a woman with convictions and strength. Take one day at a time and live it and when you wake up the next morning take the same approach for that day. We all get too far ahead with our thoughts, or should I say, our worries of the future. Today is what is important and really the only thing we have control of. Keep writing; it's good for the soul! Ginny

[harma]

thank you gabes, karen and ginny for your reply. Things are already going much better, I am back on one full entocort a day and back to my basic diet I have doing for months and that works. You can't even eat banana's gabes? wow than is really must be difficult to get your calories on the road. For me the in between food (in between mails) are banana's banana's and ....banana's. I found a second thing, canned fruit. I found a small type of can here, that can be easily opened. I eat so many of them, that the shop where I get my groceries runs out of them (the supermarket you have to imagine are one of the size of the local neighborhood shops, one of the other things I still don't get, where I am living now, is one of the area's where people want to live, lots of embassy's here, villa's for the rich and international well paid embassy staff etc and really no descent supermarket in the whole area, I still don't get it).

Only thing at the moment is, I really have to add more calories to my diet, I keep on losing weight (can you imagine for years I wanted to be the size I am now or want to have to size I have now). I don't loose weight because of the MC, I eat my meals but it seems not to be enough. But what do you expect with no candy, no cookies, no ice-cream, no chocolate. Only basic food, fish, lean meat, fruit, vegetables and rice. I think I will add some more rice to my meals.

One day when I was in a mall here, trying out some clothes in the fitting room, I looked in the mirror, took a glance at my legs and thought WOW, are that my legs? (I always thought of myself of someone not with fat legs but firm legs, well not anymore)

For sure I will not be the first one here, that struggles with weight in the sense not wanting to loose anymore and actually trying to gain some.

My live is going up here. I had a coffee with a dutch girl on monday, today with a very nice very interesting finnish lady. Talked about a lot of personal things, like our youth, relationship with god, life in general. Tomorrow I will go to a movie night organized by the Dutch embassy. It's in the embassador's house and cool thing is "in walking distance of my house". Walking distance dutch standard, any thing within 20 minutes walk, I call walking distance. Locals I think anything within 100 meter, anything further is taxi or car :-)))

Where I use the internet, it is about 30 minutes walk from my home (I consider it a nice walk). Well to walk all the way here, you really have to make an effort, since while walking here at 10 taxi's have already spotted you an try to get you into the taxi. But I just keep on walking. Good for my bones.

And probably Saturday I will go to an international church service here. Just to see and try out. I thought about in the Netherlands but didn't get that far, so I am going to give it a try here.

So that 4 app. in one week, going from zero to four!!!!

Also I think I have an idea of what I want to do here. I saw on the website of the Dutch embassy that have some money (funding subsidy) for local projects. Local parties have to apply for it. I think I am a perfect person to help them with it (read to write the project proposal and to the application). I have the language skills, but also a certain talent to know how to tailor an application to a regulation. I have no idea if I can make a living out of it. At the moment it could be a nice start.

gabes thanks for your offering your help in finishing my CV I might send you my CV today or tomorrow, I need a native speaker to prove read it. To make sure there are no mistakes in it. So if you could that for me, I would really appreciate it.

[mbeezie]

Hi Harma,

Sorry to hear your flare is continuing. Green beans are legumes and may be the culprit. I reacted very badly to green beans and have not tried them in a long time. Diluted juice might be better tolerated - just a thought.

Sounds like your MC created a bit of an existential crisis where you are feeling and exploring things differently than you have before (lonliness, god, meaning, career, etc). I had a similar situation when my first marriage ended but any crisis (and developing MC qualifies) can create such feelings. Maybe that's why you were drawn to Jordan - to work some things out. Sounds like the last few days things are starting to fall into place for you. Here's hoping that continues.

Hugs,

Mary Beth