This is from Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal....LOL

jodibelle352 · Post by **jodibelle352** » Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:34 pm

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
>
>
>
> I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
> appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office,
> Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that
> appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly
> through Minneapolis.
>
>
>
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
> reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't
> really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote,
> 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left
> Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
> a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to
> hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for
> now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the
> hands of America 's enemies.
>
>
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
> nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
> solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
> water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the
> MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
> plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
> unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)
> Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
> because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture
> of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
>
>
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
> great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery
> bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after
> you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
>
>
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
> here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
> pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There
> are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend
> several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
> violently. You eliminate everything.
>
> And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to
> drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
> tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food
> that you have not even eaten yet.
>
>
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
> morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
> only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
> occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What
> if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something
> like that? Flowers would not be enough.
>
>
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
> understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
> said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
> where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes
> and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist
> perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even
> more naked than when you are actually naked.
>
>
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
> hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and
> I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
> vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
> thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got
> yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were
> staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode.
>
> You would have no choice but to burn your house.
>
>
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
> where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did
> not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
> there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had
> me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking
> something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in
> the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I
> remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during
> this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to be the least
> appropriate.
>
>
>
> 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
> 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
> dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
> yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
> exactly what it was like.
>
>
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
> yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the
> next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
> mellow mood.
>
> Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
> excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that 'It'
> was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I
> have never been prouder of an internal organ.
>
>
>

JLH · Post by **JLH** » Sun Feb 07, 2010 5:09 pm

A great post from Jodi. Don't laugh too hard.

Stanz · Post by **Stanz** » Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:37 pm

Love that column, but I hope it doesn't discourage anyone from having a colonoscopy, which is apparently the ONLY THING that western med is good for when it comes to MC.

JLH · Post by **JLH** » Sun Apr 25, 2010 7:08 pm

Zizzle · Post by **Zizzle** » Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:28 pm

LMAO!! I took Moviprep. Too much fluid indeed!!

natythingycolbery · Post by **natythingycolbery** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 11:51 am

Is one litre really 32 galleons or is this sarcastic humour?

Zizzle · Post by **Zizzle** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 11:53 am

Extremely sarcastic humour!! One liter is about half a gallon

Linda in BC · Post by **Linda in BC** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 11:35 pm

That was hillarious... I laughed until my sides hurt! Thank you, Jodibelle!

Linda

MBombardier · Post by **MBombardier** » Fri Jan 07, 2011 11:47 pm

I thought about adding to the hilarity by posting a link to Billy Connolly on YouTube talking about his colonoscopy prep, but the language is way too foul for me to be comfortable doing that. That being said... if you don't mind the language, it is really, really funny.

JLH · Post by **JLH** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 9:26 am

Linda, I emailed your comment to Jodi.

Marliss, does he have an accent? I think I saw it if he does.

Linda in BC · Post by **Linda in BC** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 2:54 pm

Thanks for doing that, Joan.
L.

MBombardier · Post by **MBombardier** » Sat Jan 08, 2011 3:04 pm

Yes, he's from Scotland, so he has an accent, and talks about tweeds. It sounds like you saw it. It's the only one of his routines that I would recommend at all, and as I said, it is a very guarded recommendation as his language is horribly foul.

tictax707 · Post by **tictax707** » Sun Apr 03, 2011 8:28 pm

Dave Barry is one of my faves. This made me laugh really hard - sorely needed! Thanks for posting it!

fatbuster205 · Post by **fatbuster205** » Fri Jun 29, 2012 8:54 am

Love it - first time I have laughed all week! Thanks so much!