My parents are visiting from overseas for 10 days starting next week. Last night I got a frantic call from my mom telling me how lonely, anxious, stressed, etc. she was feeling because of my dad and all the work they have to do on the farm. She is 65 and would live happily retired, but my dad is an incurable workaholic. My mom has endured several challenges recently - her mom died, she recently finished treatment for chronic gastritis and h.pylori, and she had 2 subacute subdural hematomas (with open skull surgeries) the year before that.
They will be mostly hanging out with the grandkids, but I want to make sure I do things to help my mom relax and deal with the anxiety and panic attacks (and death of her mom), even if that means bringing her to an alternative medical provider of some sort. She's already getting b-complex injections. We talked about needing more calcium and magnesium. She already has a low-gluten/low-dairy diet.
Any ideas? I'm thinking massage, haircut and facial, church services, daily walks and visits to parks, perhaps accupuncture? A visit with a nutritionist for diet and supplement advice?
Is there a chance her anxiety issues are medically induced rather than all being in her head?
Need suggestions to help my mom's anxiety
Moderators: Rosie, Stanz, Jean, CAMary, moremuscle, JFR, Dee, xet, Peggy, Matthew, Gabes-Apg, grannyh, Gloria, Mars, starfire, Polly, Joefnh
This is a little out of the box thinking.. but I had a friend and her husband visit years ago. She and I had been friends for years..but her husband was not the "visiting type".. he had to keep busy.. hated just sitting around or site seeing. We had just moved into a new house and there were so many things to do and my husband was/is not the handy sort. I made a list of all the things I wanted done.. and kept her husband busy for days.. she was happy because her husband was not asking to cut the visit short and he was happy because he was busy.. and it didn't cost him a cent.. all on my credit card for whatever he needed.
If you can keep your dad busy... will that make your mom relax more?
grannyh
If you can keep your dad busy... will that make your mom relax more?
grannyh
Grannyh,
Excellent point. Dad does get stir crazy if we just sit around. He's planning a couple of visits with old friends, and I have 2 crates of "family archives" (aka. my dad's old papers) that I want him to pare down. Once he gets the kids figured out, hopefully he can be trusted to hang out with them solo while my mom relaxes. I'm in a rental house while mine is being remodeled. Wish I had house projects to give him! He'll probably stay happy with good internet access, US news channels and newspapers. My hubby did suggest planning a yard sale (my Dad LOVES yard sales), but I think that's too much work for everyone, and not a good way to spend a short visit.
Excellent point. Dad does get stir crazy if we just sit around. He's planning a couple of visits with old friends, and I have 2 crates of "family archives" (aka. my dad's old papers) that I want him to pare down. Once he gets the kids figured out, hopefully he can be trusted to hang out with them solo while my mom relaxes. I'm in a rental house while mine is being remodeled. Wish I had house projects to give him! He'll probably stay happy with good internet access, US news channels and newspapers. My hubby did suggest planning a yard sale (my Dad LOVES yard sales), but I think that's too much work for everyone, and not a good way to spend a short visit.
Zizzle, if your dad would hear the phrase "pare down" as threatening, maybe he would like to "sort and organize" (and label, or file?) the family archives.
For your mother, all those are great ideas. And anxiety can absolutely be physical, whether it also has provocations in circumstances or in psychology. It could be caused or exacerbated by another health problem, or of course, the stress you've described. (And of course, it can make other health problems worse...)
From a friend's experience, anxiety has a certain momentum - I don't know whether there's a more medical vocabulary for this, but the idea is that if you were anxious yesterday, it's a lot easier to feel anxious today. (I think of it as something like rebound headaches - another friend had something like this with chronic pain, and I know that it's the case for depression, too.)
I'm sure that sharing the mother-daughter love you're planning will be wonderful for her, whether a massage or manicure in itself is especially healing or not ;) And I'll be thinking of you, too. I had ample opportunity in my parents' later years to serve as deflector, and was happy to do it, but I do appreciate the skills and finesse and grace required, not to mention generosity of spirit.
All my best,
Sara
For your mother, all those are great ideas. And anxiety can absolutely be physical, whether it also has provocations in circumstances or in psychology. It could be caused or exacerbated by another health problem, or of course, the stress you've described. (And of course, it can make other health problems worse...)
From a friend's experience, anxiety has a certain momentum - I don't know whether there's a more medical vocabulary for this, but the idea is that if you were anxious yesterday, it's a lot easier to feel anxious today. (I think of it as something like rebound headaches - another friend had something like this with chronic pain, and I know that it's the case for depression, too.)
I'm sure that sharing the mother-daughter love you're planning will be wonderful for her, whether a massage or manicure in itself is especially healing or not ;) And I'll be thinking of you, too. I had ample opportunity in my parents' later years to serve as deflector, and was happy to do it, but I do appreciate the skills and finesse and grace required, not to mention generosity of spirit.
All my best,
Sara
Sara,
Good points. Her anxiety does seem to be cumulative. The stress of yesterday piles on to the stress of today. She mentioned feeling paralyzed some days, unable to do anything at all. Her doctor is very concerned for her and my dad, becuase he doesn't take care of himself or do preventive services. My dad had the nerve to say he feels "doctors take advantage of weak people." And my mom said he's referred to her as a "weak old lady." Nice.
Good points. Her anxiety does seem to be cumulative. The stress of yesterday piles on to the stress of today. She mentioned feeling paralyzed some days, unable to do anything at all. Her doctor is very concerned for her and my dad, becuase he doesn't take care of himself or do preventive services. My dad had the nerve to say he feels "doctors take advantage of weak people." And my mom said he's referred to her as a "weak old lady." Nice.
Oh, Zizzle. Nice indeed. My father was actually a better husband to my mother (when she became *very* frail) in his last couple of years than he had been years.... sounds like your folks are in those long years before the sweetness kicks in. I now wonder whether my father's not-so-nice behavior was related to an organic health issue of his own - he certain had plenty of pain, which doesn't make anyone easier to get along with. I took a vow that I could not be mean to him, no matter what, and was able to live up to it for his last few years. Of course, I only did that because I had been unable to help myself, more than once, and had hurt his feelings. Then, of course, I had to keep apologizing in advance to my husband, in case I would be short with him while not being snotty to my father (which I tried not to do - kind of defeats the purpose to choose kindness no matter what and then mess it up... I did OK, but not perfectly).
I did think of B vitamins for anxiety since my last post. My friend with some experience of anxiety has found this helpful, and as Tex recently reminded me, the B vitamins are especially likely to be deficient where there's malabsorption, as in MC. The biggies are B6, B12, and folic acid, but the whole package of Bs help the heavy hitters to be useful. I didn't take my B vitamin today, because I wanted to have a light breakfast and find they sit better with a larger meal. I also find I have vivid dreams when I take them at night. I've read that B6 can do that (or maybe fuzzy dreams are a deficiency symptom). In any case, it makes sense to me that they're active in the area of brain, nervous system, etc. that would also impact anxiety. Maybe a mani-pedi-health-food-store date with your mother would be a nice outing ;)
Now you just need the stress of reading the fine print on dozens of little bottles of B vites to make sure they're GF/DF/SF/*F, and you'll be as anxious as your mother. Seriously - do take care of yourself.
Best of luck. I hope I don't sound negative - I don't feel that way at all. But I am sending you strength and sympathy and wishes for a lovely and successful visit,
Sara
I did think of B vitamins for anxiety since my last post. My friend with some experience of anxiety has found this helpful, and as Tex recently reminded me, the B vitamins are especially likely to be deficient where there's malabsorption, as in MC. The biggies are B6, B12, and folic acid, but the whole package of Bs help the heavy hitters to be useful. I didn't take my B vitamin today, because I wanted to have a light breakfast and find they sit better with a larger meal. I also find I have vivid dreams when I take them at night. I've read that B6 can do that (or maybe fuzzy dreams are a deficiency symptom). In any case, it makes sense to me that they're active in the area of brain, nervous system, etc. that would also impact anxiety. Maybe a mani-pedi-health-food-store date with your mother would be a nice outing ;)
Now you just need the stress of reading the fine print on dozens of little bottles of B vites to make sure they're GF/DF/SF/*F, and you'll be as anxious as your mother. Seriously - do take care of yourself.
Best of luck. I hope I don't sound negative - I don't feel that way at all. But I am sending you strength and sympathy and wishes for a lovely and successful visit,
Sara
Zizzle,
Since your mom is 65, this may be way off the mark, but I'll mention it anyway. Could the anxiety have anything to do with hormones? I found that when I went into menopause, I had a terrible problem with anxiety (in addition to all those other things like hot flashes, insomnia, crying jags...)
Taking a low dose of hormones really helped. No matter how much I had tried to talk myself out of anxiety, be assured that there is nothing to worry about, etc., none of that helped, because it wasn't just a psychological problem; it was a physical problem.
Anyway, it's just a thought.
I hope you have a really good visit with your parents.
Since your mom is 65, this may be way off the mark, but I'll mention it anyway. Could the anxiety have anything to do with hormones? I found that when I went into menopause, I had a terrible problem with anxiety (in addition to all those other things like hot flashes, insomnia, crying jags...)
Taking a low dose of hormones really helped. No matter how much I had tried to talk myself out of anxiety, be assured that there is nothing to worry about, etc., none of that helped, because it wasn't just a psychological problem; it was a physical problem.
Anyway, it's just a thought.
I hope you have a really good visit with your parents.
Martha
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Gabes-Apg
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Zizzle
i would be cautious about things like massages, this can actually cause more anxiety for someone who is unsettled. the action of a massage releases toxins, and sometimes the innocent questions from the pracitioner can feel quite intense, being in a strange place with a stranger giving you a massage can make you feel more unsettled.
I think the walks and doing activities linked to things she enjoys - if she likes gardens find a great nursery or display garden, if she enjoys crafts go to a quilting group meeting or something like that, or a cooking class. Or a traditional type of cafe that does pots of tea.
my mother started dementia symptoms from age 65, i took her to Melbourne for her 70th birthday back in 2002, i didnt realise what impact the dementia was having until we were away from her home. It was like having a 4 year old, she would get nervous about going to the toilet in strange places, i would have to stand outside the cubicle the whole time, we were shopping in some large markets and if she couldnt see me she would start to get nervous and shaky as she was in a unfamiliar place and there was lots of noise etc. She didnt cope with crowds and noisy situations. She didnt like talking to strangers.
in relation to their anxiety they are not fully aware that they are doing it, and if they do have some awareness quite often the fact that their mental capacity is reducing is a threat to them, it threatens their independance etc....
i hope this is not the case, but my experience is that what we find relaxing is not what they find relaxing....
i would be cautious about things like massages, this can actually cause more anxiety for someone who is unsettled. the action of a massage releases toxins, and sometimes the innocent questions from the pracitioner can feel quite intense, being in a strange place with a stranger giving you a massage can make you feel more unsettled.
I think the walks and doing activities linked to things she enjoys - if she likes gardens find a great nursery or display garden, if she enjoys crafts go to a quilting group meeting or something like that, or a cooking class. Or a traditional type of cafe that does pots of tea.
my mother started dementia symptoms from age 65, i took her to Melbourne for her 70th birthday back in 2002, i didnt realise what impact the dementia was having until we were away from her home. It was like having a 4 year old, she would get nervous about going to the toilet in strange places, i would have to stand outside the cubicle the whole time, we were shopping in some large markets and if she couldnt see me she would start to get nervous and shaky as she was in a unfamiliar place and there was lots of noise etc. She didnt cope with crowds and noisy situations. She didnt like talking to strangers.
in relation to their anxiety they are not fully aware that they are doing it, and if they do have some awareness quite often the fact that their mental capacity is reducing is a threat to them, it threatens their independance etc....
i hope this is not the case, but my experience is that what we find relaxing is not what they find relaxing....
Gabes Ryan
"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned"
Dalai Lama
"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned"
Dalai Lama
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MBombardier
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Zizzle, these are all great suggestions. I would add that your calm and peace will probably be one of the main things that helps. If you can be calm and smiling, not letting anything bother you, focusing on her instead of multi-tasking, letting the kids or your dad get to you, whatever. Perhaps you can have music playing softly, candles lit, good smells coming from the kitchen... I don't know--whatever you think would create a serene and peaceful atmosphere for you with the thought of also helping her.
Marliss Bombardier
Dum spiro, spero -- While I breathe, I hope
Psoriasis - the dark ages
Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - Dec 2001
Collagenous Colitis - Sept 2010
Granuloma Annulare - June 2011
Dum spiro, spero -- While I breathe, I hope
Psoriasis - the dark ages
Hashimoto's Thyroiditis - Dec 2001
Collagenous Colitis - Sept 2010
Granuloma Annulare - June 2011
Zizzle--
Your poor Mom! It sounds like her world has really been rocked in the last couple of years. It is not surprising that she has developed some anxiety! She's probably just waiting for the next shoe to drop.... I'm sure you know this, but when someone goes through that many traumatic experiences that close together, it can really do a number on them; even change the way they interact with the world. Would she consider talking to a counselor or therapist?
Love,
Mags
Your poor Mom! It sounds like her world has really been rocked in the last couple of years. It is not surprising that she has developed some anxiety! She's probably just waiting for the next shoe to drop.... I'm sure you know this, but when someone goes through that many traumatic experiences that close together, it can really do a number on them; even change the way they interact with the world. Would she consider talking to a counselor or therapist?
Love,
Mags
Hi Z!
For me, girlfriend time is the best medicine when feeling anxious, lonely, etc. Does she have some close girlfriends at home? As others have said, at your house she will probably love having of one-on-one time with you. I'm sure you are a good listener, and it sounds as if she needs to share a lot of what has been going on with her. She might prefer that to running around and "doing" all of the time. As we ladies know, the way we usually work through our problems is to share them with another woman. We are not looking for answers from our confidantes - just the opportunity to process our thoughts in a non-judgemental and accepting environment so that we can reach our own conclusions. Just a thought.
Love,
Polly
For me, girlfriend time is the best medicine when feeling anxious, lonely, etc. Does she have some close girlfriends at home? As others have said, at your house she will probably love having of one-on-one time with you. I'm sure you are a good listener, and it sounds as if she needs to share a lot of what has been going on with her. She might prefer that to running around and "doing" all of the time. As we ladies know, the way we usually work through our problems is to share them with another woman. We are not looking for answers from our confidantes - just the opportunity to process our thoughts in a non-judgemental and accepting environment so that we can reach our own conclusions. Just a thought.
Love,
Polly
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Zizzle,
I agree with Polly on the need for someone who is a good listener. Most men tend to give us answers instead of being the compassionate ear that we really want.
I'm touched that you are putting so much thought into how you might help your Mom, good for you. I'm sure just being able to spend time with you will help your Mom. Please let us know how things go.
All the best,
Connie
I agree with Polly on the need for someone who is a good listener. Most men tend to give us answers instead of being the compassionate ear that we really want.
I'm touched that you are putting so much thought into how you might help your Mom, good for you. I'm sure just being able to spend time with you will help your Mom. Please let us know how things go.
All the best,
Connie
Wow, you gals are all right on so many levels. I hadn't thought about the anxiety i feel from massages, the need for me to reflect a calm and happy demeanor, and keep the home environment pleasant. She does not have many, if any, close girlfriends nearby. Just family, and I don't think the family shares these types of things. Both my parents are incredibly isolated running the farm with no likeminded peers nearby. I will try and get my dad to help "sort and organize," unless I can get him to succumb to the need for a vacation. Maybe with enough wine and french cheeses to occupy him...
I do think there is a hormonal basis for her anxiety. She's had a tough time since menopause. She tried low-dose hormones early on, but they caused breast cysts so the docs said no more. She's taken soy, primrose oil, etc with mixed results. Maybe this is time to try something new?
I do think there is a hormonal basis for her anxiety. She's had a tough time since menopause. She tried low-dose hormones early on, but they caused breast cysts so the docs said no more. She's taken soy, primrose oil, etc with mixed results. Maybe this is time to try something new?
Zizzle,
You're totally on the right track. You won't get everything 'solved' in one shot, but a combination of lovely environment, great brainstorming on things that might help (in terms of activities, supplements, treatments...) will buoy her spirits and help you figure out which of your long list of wonderful plans will be most likely to succeed.
Congratulations on being so open to all these helpful suggestions from so many people. That suggests to me that your mother will be open to you, in just the same way. Except much more so, because you're the daughter ;) I myself was the recipient of extraordinary generosity of listening from my mother late in her life, and am sending whatever mother-daugher magic I can your way.
Don't pressure yourself about creating a perfect environment and demeanor - just enjoying your mother's company will be like medicine to her (and maybe you'll also find a great new supplement option... whilst keeping your dad distracted with organizing, plus wine-and-cheese).
Love,
Sara
You're totally on the right track. You won't get everything 'solved' in one shot, but a combination of lovely environment, great brainstorming on things that might help (in terms of activities, supplements, treatments...) will buoy her spirits and help you figure out which of your long list of wonderful plans will be most likely to succeed.
Congratulations on being so open to all these helpful suggestions from so many people. That suggests to me that your mother will be open to you, in just the same way. Except much more so, because you're the daughter ;) I myself was the recipient of extraordinary generosity of listening from my mother late in her life, and am sending whatever mother-daugher magic I can your way.
Don't pressure yourself about creating a perfect environment and demeanor - just enjoying your mother's company will be like medicine to her (and maybe you'll also find a great new supplement option... whilst keeping your dad distracted with organizing, plus wine-and-cheese).
Love,
Sara