Emotional Baggage--Have YOU Dealt With YOURS?

[Julie]

Hi everybody,

this is so hard for me to write about this. I have always been a strong person. I always looked at everything in a positive way.

Not anymore...

I have been sick ever since I was 9 years old. I finally got the diagnosis last year, I was 22 years old. I have had relapses, a lot. I have had addison's disease (because of the meds for LC). I got rid of that. Now I have hormonal issues... My prolactine hormone is too high. I haven't got the results for the other hormones yet. This all could be caused by litican (this is what I take to deal with nausea, stomach pains, ...). It could also be caused by a tumor in the brain.

I've had so many strange and rare symptoms, that I am afraid of every one of them. I feel like nobody understands me. Then there is also the financial question. My health has cost me a lot.
I am 23 years old, and I can't even ride a bike without being sick. I used to love sports. I can't do that anymore, I try though. My muscles and joints feel like I am 80 years old.

I try to be strong and I always say to myself: there are people with aids, cancer, ... That is worse.

I cry all the time now, maybe that's because of the hormonal issues. It has been a lot this year. I don't know if I can manage anymore. I am afraid, all the time and every day. I want to be a good mother in the future. I doubt that I can be a good mother. I don't want my future husband to see me sick all the time, because I am more than a sick person. I love my life, that's not the question. I have so much to be grateful for. It is just so hard emotionally to deal with everything. I don't feel like a normal 23-year old.

Thanks for reading this. It feels good to write it.

I hope you all feel well and that we can all overcome this.

Grts

Julie

[JeanIrene]

Monique, I can imagine what you and others here must be going through now, some here have really been in so much pain! It is so difficult seeing loved ones hurting and eventually leaving us.

I have been widowed twice, both due to cancer, and my dad and two brothers died in the meantime. I remember some pretty bad times, and with me, the main thing that had an effect was the passage of time. It really does make things better.

I tried to be extra nice to myself while all this was going on and afterwards. Like Carol, nice bedding and pj's, etc, massages once a week, took lots of walks, outings with friends, travel. Loved to cook and have people over, music and concerts, volunteer work, hobbies like sewing and gardening. I am fortunate to have caring friends who love to laugh. Faith plays a role with me too. I believe that prayer and belief that there is something much larger out there is very important and gives needed perspective. I try to accept whatever happens now and adjust life accordingly. I know we are just passing through this life. There are some bad days interspersed with the good, but I always believe they will get better, and they eventually do.

I like to think about all the things for which I'm grateful now, whether living in a comfortably heated home, good food, my cute little dogs, the changing of the seasons. When I'm feeling crummy, I tell myself it's temporary, and things will turn around soon. They always do. I try to live in the moment as much as possible and not worry about what the future holds.

I will keep all of you in my prayers that you will find some comfort very soon--I know they really do work!

Love, Jean

[Eric]

This is one area often overlooked by allopathic medicine. Functional/integrative medicine may be more likely to include therapies like meditation which is described about halfway down this page http://dr-holden.com/meditation/.

Some recommend connecting with the earth, walking on the beach without shoes, etc. and spending time in nature as well. Another practice is emotional freedom techniques (EFT) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_ ... Techniques .

[Eric]

Julie,
Every one of your feelings is normal and is likely shared by a large number of people on this forum. Hang in there. You are young and have plenty of good years ahead. There is only one day that matters in this world and that is today. Don't worry about the future, the future will take care of itself.

[Jazi]

This is the saddest thread I have ever read

I am so sorry that all of you have experienced such heartache and to top it off having to deal with LC, CC, etc..

I have no stressful death stories. The only stress I experienced was a promotion. Not a good promotion in my opinion. More money, means deadlines and stress. I do everything in my power not to think about work when I'm not there.

I have always been one to exercise faithfully but when I became ill in May of 2012, everything came to an extreme halt. Finally I was diagnosed with LC two weeks ago. I am one of those people that won't let illnesses get me down. I am up at 5am now and exercising faithfully for 30min. I do it in the morning because who knows what my belly will be like after work. I do it in my own home so If I have to make bathroom runs, it's much easier.

This weekend I am going to do a beginners Pilates dvd.

Unfortunately exercise doesn't make this condition better but it does help the mind.

You are all in my thoughts

[wmonique2]

Thank you all for sharing your most intimate stories and both the physical and emotional pain that this condition subjects us to. It is clear that this condition doesn't only affects our lives on a daily basis but it also affects our emotional being, our sense of self and our very core.

It robs us of our dignity, isolates us and makes us vulnerable in the eyes of others. And when we look in the mirror and see our "selves", we have to stop and think that we are not just our disease, we are more than colitis and that colitis doesn't define us.

And Carol, you are right. We have to re-frame our thinking and change the way we view ourselves and certainly cut ourselves some slack as you stated. And thank you for being so accurate in your assessment of where I am right now. I am, indeed, suffering from PTSD. You were right on. It resonated strongly with me when I read it.

le--I do indeed wear my socks wrong side out.

Eric--thank you for the the links. I have practiced EFT in the past. Maybe I'll try it again. It worked

Julie--I know you're suffering right now but we all went through what you're going through. And it isn't fair that you're only 23 and you have to endure this. I'll share something with you. I was much younger than you are now when I was diagnosed with diabetes. I went from being a healthy teenager to being one who took 4 blood tests a day and four shots a day. There were no machines to test blood sugar then and I never knew if I was high or low except when I passed out in public places or when I was hospitalized many times in a diabetic coma. I was as frightened as you are now. That was 40 years ago. But guess what? a couple of years after my dx they came out with portable machines to test my sugar and it changed my life. And guess what else? I went to college, had a great career, married (didn't have any kids because I was afraid I couldn't take care of them) but had a beautiful husband who loved me just like I was. Diabetes or not. And now I have colitis in addition to diabetes. Life isn't fair, isn't it?

So don't despair. This is a rough patch but you'll get better. You'll make a life. There is light at the end of every tunnel.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. Ant, Jane, Jean, KD, Eric ...This is an amazing thread and certainly the most profound one we have shared.

Monique

[Gabes-Apg]

inputting a bit late here!

10-12 years ago i had done a fair amount of emotional cleansing when there were issues within the marriage that subsequently turned into an intense 3 year divorce.
during this period i became aware of alot of childhood events/scars that i had buried, i had never grieved the death of my father properly (30 years ago there was no support groups, counsellors etc cancer was a feared unknown )


Since joining this forum and linking up with a few like minded people, i have spent quite a bit of the past 3 years stripping back 40 years of beliefs, cultural guilt, ancestral guilt, religious guilt (I was raised as a catholic and held alot of shame about the divorce - albeit it was abusive but i still felt guilt and shame)
to then have a condition that involves incontinent poop is like the ultimate of shame!!
to also find a group of people who have experienced and are experiencing what i have was the reassurance that i was not alone, i was not abducted by aliens and the symptoms and issues that have occured is not in my head ...

I have done alot of reading, listening to guided meditations /podcasts by people who have experienced similar journeys.
I am still pondering quite a few things, via the MC I learnt to listen to my body I dont necessarily need a test or a doctor to tell me what is wrong.
Now i am building a good relationship that links my head, heart and soul. being kind and nurturing to myself and being true to the authentic me.

I am no longer the obsessive perfectionist
I go with the flow of life rather than control it or change it - live in the moment - mindfullness
I have grieved quite a few situations in my life (father dieing, disjointed childhood, not having children, etc)

I am what, I am (the amazing parts, the authentic parts, the less than ideal parts -all together)
given the cards i was dealt in this game of life, i am feeling pretty good about the decisions i have made to date and where I am at.
this is my journey in this path of life. for some it may appear 'different' 'not the normal'
i see it as there is no normal there is path or pattern that will guarantee happiness. there is no right way or wrong way, there is your way.....


Julie - my advice to you - dont be so harsh about the 'good mother' and expectations you place on yourself. there is no right way or wrong way - there is - what is.
if you take care of yourself, and love your children - that makes a good mother.

Monique - we do have to properly grieve events /stress /memories. Easier said than done I know. If you want some names of authors/books that can help let me know.

[Camie]

I will chime in soon as this speaks to my heart at the moment.

[wmonique2]

Gabes (and all):

Thank you for posting your own story. Grief seems to be a common denominator in this thread. Perhaps because grief is such a powerful emotion, it seems to affect our very core. You know the solar plexus, the energy center of our body. I remember feeling as if somebody had tore my heart out its place and left a dark hole. The pain was not just emotional, it was also physical as well. I could also feel a knot in my stomach as well and I actually stopped eating for like 4 months. I survived on gatorade (electrolytes) and went down to 90 lbs. Not a pretty picture.

That's when I was prescribed Elavil and that's when I started eating again. So grief affects us in a very profound manner. Our souls need love to thrive and survive and without it, we are like plants without water. The only true happiness in this world is to love and BE loved.

Gabes, go ahead and tell us about books that have helped you.

Love,

Monique

[Joefnh]

Monique, great thread thanks for starting this. There is most certainly an emotional element to MC and really our health as a whole. Whenever we are stressed and emotionally upset it not only affects us emotionally but as we are one being, both body and mind, out health is equally affected

Certainly I have my baggage to deal with as I come form a very rough childhood and just about 5 years ago now a divorce. All of these elements coming to the surface have played a big part in how I handle the MC & Crohns. I know when I am emotionally workd up no matter what th ego pic the MC & Crohns are affected and not in the good way.

I am thankful strangely for getting sick and that these issues have coe to get her as they have. If it was not for Mac develope I would have never found this wonderful Internet family and I would not have had the opportunity to have made the amazing friendships I have.

As part of fiendshios I have made, Gabes & Polly has pointed to way to some very good resources and some excellent books that have taught me a lot about myself and how to deal with the "Black Bag" of emotios in my past.

[wmonique2]

Hi Everyone,

I took a gigantic step today. I went to see a massage therapist who does energy work (he was recommended by a friend who has been dealing with loss as well). He is very intuitive, spiritual and very aware of the mind/body connection. In one sentence I told him my problem and he just listened. He started working on acupuncture points at the bottom of my feet that were sore like hell which indicated a sensitivity in the particular meridian. He then moved to the back and neck and he didn't stop until I completely melted, both physically and emotionally.

I've had massages before but not since I was diagnosed with LC. I didn't know that one could hold so much pain in one's heart that physical massage and not talk therapy could bring out so many emotions to the surface. The man didn't utter a word during the whole hour until I was convulsing from the emotions.

What I found out today is that I am not only grieving the loss of my husband, I am grieving the loss of my health. And that grief is real. Losing your health is as profound as losing a loved one.

So I'd say to those of us who shared their stories and those who just read them, find time to heal your heart from the loss of your health because if you heal your heart, your body will follow. That's when the real healing begins. The emotional component of this condition is as real and as important as the diet you follow.

Love,

Monique

[Eric]

Wow, very powerful to hear about your massage. Sounds like a good practitioner. Excellent insight on grieving the loss of health, something that is common with this and other chronic health issues. Thanks for sharing.

[Joefnh]

Monique what an important post. All of us in life have events, relationships and health or other issues that affect us emotionally that can and will affect our health; especially if do not understand and address the emotional burden these can cause.

Personally since my MC & Crohns diagnosis 3 years ago now this has been both the toughest time in my life and in contrast simply the most rewarding.

It's been the toughest in that it seems like I am simply physically falling apart and have had to delay pursuing some of my life's goals. In this short timeframe I have been diagnosed and am dealing with MC, Chrohns, Anklyosing Spondylitis, spinal stenosis and several other spinal issues and have gone through several major surgeries. These diagnosis and events have taken their toll both physically and emotionally.

It's been the most rewarding time in my life for a few reasons: first I have found the most wonderful 'community' of friends here on PP. I have also been blessed to actually meet several of you in person and have formed lifelong friendships around the world and I have been given the opportunity through these stressful times to learn about myself and to grow and mature emotionally.

As far as ways to deal with the emotional baggage that does affect my health, I have been introduced to some great books and new ways of addressing and looking at life, including working through the past emotional pain, letting go of the past and learning to simply live in and enjoy the moment and each day to the fullest. I would be remiss if I did not give a special thanks to Gabes, Polly and Jean for their advice recommendations and personal council regarding these issues, I am not quite sure how I would have survived the last few years and even thrived without your friendship, patience and guidance....for that I am quite thankful.

Of course this is said not to diminish at all the other friends I have met here online and those i have had the privilege of meeting in person. I believe to date I have had the privilege to meet up with Gabes, Polly, Jean, Zizzle, Gloria, Mary Beth, NancyL and Jenny.

As far as other ways of dealing with the emotional 'baggage', some great books that have been recommended to me that I have found to be very helpful in addressing elements in my past; including a very very painful childhood, messy divorce and several other issues that all contribute to the emotional load that can and does affect my health if I let them.

The books I have most recently been reading are:

"The Book of Awakening" by Mark Nepo. Mark almost lost his life to cancer but after his ordeal, has used his talents in writing and poetry to write a series of short lessons that help you find ways of looking at life and yourself in very helpful ways. I will have to say this is by far my favorite book. The life lessons contained within are simply amazing. I would highly recommend this book.

"The Relaxation Revolution" which is a wonderful book that is written by a group out of Harvard Medical that helps you learn how to relax and meditate in very simple ways. It's a great resource for learning how to managing stress. Outlined in the book are several medical studies conducted at Harvard Medical that demonstrate how meditation actually reverses the disease process. Definitely a good read and well worth the time.

"Self Compassion" by Kristin Neff is the latest book I am just starting. This book looks at ways of letting go of the insecurities that are often products of our past emotional pains.

Beyond that I have found a lot of benefit in acupuncture, not something I would have personally tried, but thanks to some 'needling' by Gabes, I have tried this form of treatment and found it to be quite beneficial not only in treating physical symptoms but the process is also quite relaxing...I know that's counterintuitive, how can getting needles getting stuck in you be relaxing? Strangely and wonderfully it is....go figure.

I think for each of us we have our unique past and circumstances both good and bad that affect us emotionally. Finding ways address these events and understand the effect they have on us emotionally is key. Learning how to live in the moment and embrace each day for what it offers is not always easy, but it is a great gift you can give to yourself.


Thanks again Monique for posting this topic, our emotional health is quite important in regards to our physical health and is all to often overlooked.

[wmonique2]

Hi Joe & Gabes,

thank you for your beautiful posts. We are, indeed, blessed to have found each other. I have been meditating for over 30 years and doing acupuncture for at least that long. I strongly believe that my positive attitude, irrepressible sense of humor and can-do attitude is what has saved me the last 40 years with diabetes. Some of my family members had diabetes as well but they all gone after 20 years with the condition. Strangely enough I have always looked at myself as a "healthy diabetic" (if that isn't an oxymoron, I don't know what is :-)

Now I am confronting another dragon and I have yet to tamed it.

And I agree with you Joe that this is, undoubtedly, the most profound thread I've read. And like you, I'd like one day, to meet some of our wonderful family.

Thank you for all the books recommended.

Love,

Monique

[carolm]

Hi Joe,
I also wanted to say thanks for the book recommendations. It's always valuable to hear what others are reading and found worthwhile. I'll be checking them out this weekend.

Carol