Out Of The Shadows...

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Joefnh
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Out Of The Shadows...

Post by Joefnh »

I haven't been posting much these past few months but had turned into a bit of a lurker, also I have been talking with a few members offline, this has been due to some medical and personal issues over the past 4 months, I basically pulled into my shell for a while while I sorted out what the diagnosis of muscular dystrophy (myasthenia gravis 'MG') meant to me both physically and emotionally. I'll have to admit this hit me much much harder emotionally and physically than I thought it would.

My last significnt post was several months ago in which I described what this is all about. Basically it's a progressive disease that affects all of the voluntary muscles (the ones we can control at will) throughout the body. For me the ones I'm struggling with are walking, double vision, my hands, neck muscles, swallowing and breathing. Since its progressive, over time these issues may very well get worse. The one that has been scary is the breathing, sometimes especially in the heat you don't have enough strength in your muscles to take a decent breath. Although with treatments and potentially a surgical procedure the possibility always exist for remission.

Since June to treat MG, I have been increasing my dose of an immune system suppressant called Imuran (sometimes used for MC), increasing my dosage of Mestinon which is the main medication used to treat the symptoms of MG and I went in for 5 days of infusions with a blood prouduct called IVIG. IVIG is a combined conglomerate of immune system components from about 1000 blood donors. Costs about $80,000 a treatment :shock: I'm glad I've got good insurance! (My cost was $0) The goal there is to flood your system with 'good' immune system parts so your own immune system can relax and not produce as many of the bad parts of the immune system which are responsible for the autoimmune reaction. Certainly in addition to all of the meds and treatments, I'm strictly staying 100% GF,SF and 99% dairy free, as well as following my MRT food intolerance test results.

The IVIG treatment went well, during the week your getting the infusions you do feel a bit like you have the flu, you even run a low grade fever and your joints hurt a little. But about a week after, WOW you feel like a new person. I could even finish a sentence and not be out of breath, it wasn't hard to hold my head up while driving and I could climb a set of stairs !! For about 8 weeks it really helped a lot. I'll have to admit life is very very different with MG.

I did have a rare reaction to that particular batch of the IVIG though, I ended up with hemolytic anemia due to this reaction and basically about half of my red blood cells were killed off, so it was off to the hospital to become the worlds biggest mosquito :grin:. After a couple of blood transfusions, I felt great and the 'storm' from the IVIG had passed. As its a rare reaction and based more on that particular batch, I can try IVIG again, but cautiously using a different brand just to be safe. I'll be going back for another 5 day series in the 3rd week of September, I'm looking forward to the procedure as its getting pretty hard to breath, swallow and walk again. My goal is get enough energy back to be able to attend my daughters wedding in October. If it works the way it did the first time I should be all set.

With all of this and the past medical issues I really did find myself struggling with depression and anxiety and finally did seek treatment for that. Now that I know what is like not to be as depressed clinically, I feel I have been dealing with depression for about 2 or 3 years now. I was initially put on Zoloft at a low dose and while it did help with the depression it as a few here have noted flared up my MC and Crohns, to address this I switched over to Wellbutrin (buproprion) I have found it works quite a bit better than an SSRI like Zoloft alone. Overall it address the anxiety and depression very well with no noticeable side effects.

Looking ahead I had a appointment with my neurologist about a week ago and she would like to plan to have a central line port surgically implanted to make the IVIG treatments easier. The port is a little implanted device about an inch (2.5cm) across that is implanted below the skin in the upper chest and a tube from it is placed into the upper part of the heart. Basically it's one heck of an IV :shock: it can stay in for about 7 to 10 years. If you need an IV a special needle is used and its simple to just go through the skin into the port through a silicone membrane, kind of like the top of a vial of in a bottle of injectable medicine that has the rubber like top you poke the needle through. The good part about it is no more poking the smaller veins and as the tube is fed directly into the top of the heart the medication is quickly spread around the body and is well mixed and diluted

Actually these are commonly used in people who get chemotherapy as they need frequent IV medications, similar to that with MG about every 6-8 weeks I go to the hospital for 5 days of treatments do the port really saves your arms. The last series my arms were both black and blue for most the forearms, it looked awful and hurts quite a bit. The IVIG is a fairly thick IV liquid and is very tough on your veins causing them to blow fairly often.

The other item that I am discussing with my neurologist and just starting the process on is a surgical procedure called thymectomy. The thymus is a gland that's located right near the heart inside of the chest cavity. This gland is involved with building your immune system when we are younger, but by your mid 20's it's dormant, it's job is done and should have retired. In patients with MG they find its still somewhat active, but pumping out problematic cells that are involved in the disease process. The solution is essentially open heart surgery. Just like in open heart surgery they split the chest open at her breast bone (sternum) and with that they can easily see and remove the thymus which extends form the chest cavity up into the neck.

Now as you can imagine I'm not liking that option too much....but since for about 30-40% of the patients the procedure results in remission in about 3 years and for over 70% of the patients they see significant improvement. For that I think it's worth going through the surgery. Just this week I began the process of getting an appointment with a MG clinic and a cardiothoracic surgeon at Massachusetes General hospital. If this happens at all, it won't be for a while, I wan't to get through the wedding and the holidays first.

My motivation to go through something that dramatic is the probable course of the disease for those that have generalized myasthenia gravis. Here is a quote from a New England Journal of Medicine article that describes for clinicians the likely course of the disease for those with generalized MG
CONCLUSION

In conclusion, the course of MG is extremely variable. Ocular symptoms may recur at intervals or remain static. Spontaneous remission is common but relapse is the rule. After 5 to 10 years, the disease enters a static phase with only moderate response to treatment and varying degree of residual disability. Spontaneous remission could lasts weeks to years and occurs during the first 3 years. At the final stage, patient becomes bed ridden and severely paralysed. Death from bronchopneumonia and respiratory failure are common [37].
As a counterpoint to that quote patients that maintain consistent treatments and if you 'stay on top' of this disease you can have a better outcome, but this is a serious condition that if something like open heart surgery helps. It's worth going through the surgery

Well thanks for listening to my babbling, it's good to be back posting again and it's good to have the depression issue under control. It's very hard dealing with all of the health stuff and then add the depression and anxiety. I really do appreciate each and everyone of you in the PP family. It's such a blessing to know I can come here to share, give support, get support and at times like this just babble on a bit.

Overall I'm doing well just learning what the new normal is :grin:

Take care

Thanks !!
Joe
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Post by JLH »

Hi Joe, thanks for the update. I've missed you around here. Glad you are feeling better and have something special to look forward to soon. (Can't believe it's almost September.)

:bigbighug:
DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor and don't play one on TV.

LDN July 18, 2014

Joan
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Post by JFR »

Hi Joe,

I am glad to see you back here. I've wondered how you were. I wish it wasn't so hard for you. There are better things to collect than diseases. The latest one you have sounds frightening. It is no wonder you are struggling with depression and anxiety. I hope your next treatment allows you to attend your daughter's wedding. I am not that far away. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Jean
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Post by Joefnh »

Thanks Joan its good to be back...so to speak. It is great to be looking forward to such joyous event. My daughter really found a great guy and I'm glad they have each other. The wedding is in late October, at an outdoor venue, a vineyard in the hills of western Virginia. That time of the year the foliage will be incredible, what a setting.



You know Jean I used to collect coins and baseball cards....something tells me I should go back to that, collecting diseases just takes too much time :shock:

Jean this has been a bit of an eye opener for me, but I will admit I often think of your way of thinking about events or illnesses....instead of saying 'Why Me!!!" Why not say 'Why Not Me" during the first round if infusions I found that thought really helped as the days are long and your not feeling the best. In the infusion ward there were many there for chemotherapy for cancer etc. In comparison I had it pretty good.

I'll be heading to Vermont this Wednesday up to Burlington, I met a new friend at work and who also has a form of MG called LEMS. Wednesday up in Burlington there is a support group get together and luncheon, I will be giving her a ride. Probably not this trip, but certainly as we get into fall it would be great to say hello again, Nestlé loved playing with Theo

Thanks for your replies.

:-)
Joe
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Post by JFR »

There is the feel of fall in the air this morning so it can't be far off. It would be nice to get together and let the dogs romp. Just let me know when you're up to it.

Jean
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Post by jmayk8 »

Hi Joe,
It's so nice to hear from you but, I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jenny

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Post by JFR »

Joefnh wrote: Jean this has been a bit of an eye opener for me, but I will admit I often think of your way of thinking about events or illnesses....instead of saying 'Why Me!!!" Why not say 'Why Not Me" during the first round if infusions I found that thought really helped as the days are long and your not feeling the best. In the infusion ward there were many there for chemotherapy for cancer etc. In comparison I had it pretty good.


:-)
What I realized Joe was that it is a form of egotism to believe that I should be exempt from the bad things that can happen to people in this world. It doesn't mean that I am happy when things don't go the way I want them to, only that I accept that these things happen to people, me included. I watched my mother, who always did things right by her lights, totally freak out when things began to go wrong. She died at age 94 and when she began to develop health problems in her early 90's she said to me "I never thought this would happen to me". I don't believe she would have been so miserable if she had thought that these things could happen to her. It might have led to more acceptance and less misery. It's why I believe that I need to work on my attitude as much as I need to work on my health. They are definitely inter-related.

Jean
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Post by Joefnh »

Hello Jenny, it's good to hear from you as well, how are things in Massachsettes land? Of course I work almost next door everyday! (Lexington / Bedford). Thanks for the kind note, I'm doing ok just sorting out what the new normal is. Finding out what I can do these days.

Jean you are so right about attitude, it is everything it will set the tone of how we deal with any situation. A bad attitude will most likely lead to stress which of course leads to further health problems. That is an interesting and very poignant observation about ego playing a role in how we percieve what is 'fair' or not, if we 'deserve' to get ill. Truth be told, there are zero guarantees in life, simply waking up and getting out of bed includes risk, simply living assumes risk. I believe in our collective mindset we have assumed that we do not deserve illness or harm, where exactly is that promised?? Anyway very good point Jean.

Overall it has been quite hard Jean, I have gone through the 5 stages of mourning the loss of my various capabilities and have had to learn to accept what I am now as the new normal. That does not mean that in time I will get better and who knows maybe even go into remission, but that's for then, for now who I am is vastly different to who I was just a short time ago. I also have had to fully give up on my dreams of moving to Oz, simply put I'm too sick, I doubt a this time that I could tolerate even just the flight.

In the end Jean, who I am now is who I am now, I'm just working on getting used to this new life. Thanks so much for your notes today and in the past, you have such a simple yet poignant way of looking at life and its challenges.

Overall I did have a tough few months with emotions and depression, but with some great friends who were willing to listen and be there when it counted, I am doing quite a bit better.

Thanks again to all here for listening, it means the world.

:-)
Joe
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Post by kayare »

Hi Joe,

Thanks for the update. It's good to see you back posting. I, too, have wondered how you were dealing with your new challenges. I'm sorry to learn that you have had far more than your share. These frank conversations about perceptions of fairness, emotions, true friends, new normals, etc. are good. I admire your strength. Your daughter's upcoming wedding sounds magnificent; it's wonderful they have found each other. That is certainly a reason to celebrate! In the meantime, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Kathy
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Post by Kari »

Dear Joe,

I'm so glad you've come "out of the shadows" and back here to post, letting us know what's going on with you. There is such a wonderful, supportive group of people here to "talk to" and vent with.

So very sorry to hear that you have been suffering, but glad that you're getting the depression under control. I often think that the only thing we know for sure in life is that we live until we die. No one escapes without troubles, so the art of living becomes to appreciate and accept everything as it is, good or bad, moment by moment. Our attitude toward what happens to us while we're living becomes all important. We simply have no control over what's around the corner, so worrying about it is counter productive.

My sister and niece (her daughter) were supposed to come and visit from Norway, and spend the month of July with me. Well, a couple of days before departure, my sister had a massive stroke, and ended up in a nursing home. My niece has been devoting all her energy to taking care of her since it happened, and is now herself scheduled for kidney stone surgery. This is just one example of how precarious life can be, and how little control we have.

I have a scroll by the Dalai Lama on my kitchen wall, that I look at every morning - I know it by heart from reading it over and over. Anyhow, thought I'd share it here:

"Every day, think as you wake up,
today I'm fortunate to have woken up.
I am alive, I have a precious human life.
I am not going to waste it,
I am going to use all my energies to develop myself
to expand my heart out to others,
to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.
I am going to have kind thoughts towards others,
I am not going to get angry, or think badly about others,
I am going to benefit others as much as I can."
.....His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

My feeling is that this community works very much in the spirit of this saying. We are here to support each other and help each other as much as we can. We are all very fortunate to have each other.

Thank you for sharing your ups and downs through your posts here - I wish you all the best as you continue your journey. So glad to know that Nurse Nestle is by your side.

Love and hugs,
Kari
"My mouth waters whenever I pass a bakery shop and sniff the aroma of fresh bread, but I am also grateful simply to be alive and sniffing." Dr. Bernstein
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Post by mbeezie »

Hi Joe,

My heart goes out to you for having to deal with yet another difficult AI. The improvements in MG treatments that you describe are promising and I hope and pray for good results. The depression you felt is understandable considering the blows you have been dealt. I'm so sorry you had to give up on your dream of moving to Oz . . . I know how hard that must be for you. I can imagine Nurse Nestle is constantly by your side helping to lift your spirits.


Hugs,

Mary Beth
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Post by Sheila »

Hello Joe, I remember when you said you had some new health issues and then pretty much stopped posting. It has been said previously, life deals each of us trials and tribulations, joy and sorrow, achievement and disappointment. You have gotten more than your share of tribulation with AI diseases. I am so glad you have pulled out of your depression and hope you can maintain your usual positive attitude. Easier said than done some days.

An acquaintance who I don't know well, we belong to a book club and I'm a new member, also has MG. She doesn't discuss her health issues much except to say that she was able to play tennis one day and always feels better after her treatment. She was in very good health before MG and is probably older than you are. I will definitely pay more attention when she is talking about her MG. She hasn't mentioned surgery. I agree with you about the surgery and I think, in your place, I'd opt to do it. No risk, no gain.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Joe. I hope you continue to do well with your treatments, enjoy a spectacular wedding in West Virginia and then undergo successful surgery. You are such a good guy and a positive role model.

Big hugs,
Sheila
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Post by Joefnh »

Thanks Kathy, Kari, Marybeth and Sheila. Certainly I have moved past feeling sorry for myself (I did that long enough) and I am now working on just moving forward.

Sheila some with MG can have mostly eye symptoms and or some level of generalized MG. I'm pretty impressed she can play tennis, that's incredible. I'm at the point I can stand up or walk for about 15 minutes and that's it I need to rest for a bit. I belong to one of the online support groups and its amazing the spread of symptoms, ranging from just weak eyelids to many that are like myself and then there are those that are in wheelchairs or those that need a walker all of the time.

Thanks again for all the notes, hugs and prayers, they are always welcome. It's time for me to do the work and find the best path to wellness that I can.

:grin:
Joe
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Post by tex »

Hi Joe,

It's good to see you posting again. I'm glad that you discovered that Wellbutrin works for you. IMO it's one of the best choices when an antidepressant/anti-anxiety med is called for.

Which reminds me — that friend I mentioned many months ago (whose wife has MG) finally came up with the names of the medications that his wife is taking for her treatment. I apologize for the ridiculously long delay, but one thing after another kept getting in the way. He wasn't at the meeting the first month after you asked me to find out what she was taking, because his nephew had been killed in an auto accident, and he missed the second meeting because he had a kidney stone problem. If I recall correctly, the next meeting is when I asked him about her medications, but he couldn't remember most of them, so he said he would look up the names and get back to me. Then I missed the next meeting because I had the flu. (Actually, I wasn't all that sick, but most of the other board members agreed that they could do without me at the meeting, because it was one of those viruses that seems to go on and on for weeks.) Then he forgot about it at the next meeting, but at the following meeting, he finally handed me a piece of paper that contained a list of the medications. (At least I think that was the sequence of events, as best I can recall. :roll:)

So she's taking prednisone (he didn't specify how much), Mestinon, 2 per day, and CellCept (mycophenolate mofetil), 3 tablets twice a day, which as you are aware is an immune system suppressant. He says that she is doing quite well these days (apparently much better than she has been in the past).

Take care of yourself, Joe. I know you'll make the right decisions.

Tex
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Post by Joefnh »

Hi Tex and thanks for checking with you friend. It sounds like she is on the standard set of meds which include either cellcept or Imuran (they do the same thing), Mestinon and often prednisone. Similarly I take Imuran, 4 60mg tablets of Mestinon and had last year taken prednisone but have since stopped that.

A far as what's the right decision, that's what I'm sorting out now.

Taks for your note and relaying that information Tex.
Joe
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