Here's the Problem

[Gigi]

I apologize in advance for the rant. And I realize that this is mostly just a pity party. But perhaps people on this forum will understand this. I think a major piece of the puzzle of how I got this disease is my my tendency to pursue perfection, my desire to overachieve, my tendency to not let a problem rest until I "figure it out". Obviously I put a lot of stress on myself in this pursuit. So along comes MC. Boy do I have a problem to figure out now. And there's the rub. I've learned that in order to solve this problem I have to be a dietary super detective. Not only do I have to analyze every morsel of food that passes my lips for traces of gluten, casein and possibly soy and eggs, I must also be hyper vigilant about connecting symptoms to any other foods I ingest and thus determine my sensitivities. Then once that's accomplished I must maintain the willpower to never get sloppy. What an opportunity to pursue perfection and what an opportunity to be stressed! Also, not to mention the opportunity in all of this to beat myself up when there is no progress or if there is a setback.

So now I feel backed into a corner. Trapped in that corner by the very monster that helped put me there: my over analytical, over achieving, perfectionist self. I have been through some extremely traumatic experiences over the last decade or so. Experiences much worse than MC. I've had to find strength in myself that I did not know I possessed. Those experiences did, to a great degree, teach me that strength often comes through surrender and acceptance of things as they are and not how I wish they were. But this MC, it's different. I don't see surrender as an escape from that corner I'm backed into. Results based on performance preclude that option. It seems I must accept the weapons of the enemy that has me cornered which are hyper vigilance (read control), analysis and figuring things out at all cost. The cost being the stress that using those methods brings about. The very coping methods that probably brought about MC. So how am I supposed to truly get well? I can probably achieve a perfect diet but where does that leave me with my "issues"? I see loads of opportunity here to transform my diet but not my mind. Where is the pursuit of health in that?

So that's what's been on my mind lately. The whole thing just seems like a huge conundrum. I welcome your thoughts just please be gentle.

[JFR]

Gigi,

Let it all go, the thinking, the over-analyzing, the need to understand it all. For now just find 4 foods that you can eat and eat them. It can really be that simple. It's a good place to start. Many of us here have done just that. I even spent about 2 weeks eating only ground lamb. Keep it simple, don't over-complicate and remember to breathe.

Jean

[nick]

That's not a rant...! that is just how it is. I feel every part of your frustration. You are not alone...whether this helps or not is neither here nor there. I, for one, am glad to read your post and to know that I am not alone. Good luck to you!

Nick

[C.U.B. girl]

Hi Gigi,

I think most of us have experienced your frustrations at one time or another, so you are not alone in how you feel. One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard came from my daughter's pre-school teacher about 30 years ago. She told the parents of the kids, "Allow your child the luxury of failure -- don't push constantly for perfection!" She knew, more so than the parents, that we learn best from the mistakes we make along the way. It's that way with MC. We have to give ourselves room to mess up -- to eat the wrong thing -- or eat the right thing at the wrong time -- in order to learn what we can tolerate and what we can't. It's a process and a journey, and we don't arrive overnight. As you know instinctively, putting all that pressure on yourself to achieve perfection in your diet -- and quickly -- will only delay the healing process, since stress is a factor in triggering the disease in the first place.

So do your best to relax about it if you can. Ask yourself what's the worst thing that can happen if you eat something you shouldn't? You get more trips to the bathroom? Stomach cramps? Reflux? Gas and bloating? As uncomfortable as all of those things are, they aren't fatal. Yes, they interfere with life, but they are temporary. Over time, all of those things WILL go away, bit by bit, as you learn what brings healing to your body and what doesn't.

As a reforming perfectionist myself, one of the things I have had to face in myself is the realization that my perfectionist tendencies were rooted in control --- and control is rooted in fear -- and fear is usually grounded in lies that we believe. I had to take a hard look at myself and find out what my fears really were, where they came from, and the lies that were at the root of them (things like, "I'm insignificant. I'm worthless. I won't be accepted if I'm not perfect. My value depends on my performance."……. etc. etc.) Over time, I have been replacing the lies with the truth, because the truth will, in fact, set you free!

So take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your journey, or your struggle, and that there is no right way or wrong way to handle this thing. There's only YOUR way, and in YOUR time, and while you are going through it, you have a ton of people here on this board who will support you, laugh with you, cry with you, applaud every effort and every small success, and hang in there with you until one day we are all celebrating your remission!

And in the meantime, big hugs for you…… You CAN do this!

Wishing you all the best in your journey to wellness!

[UkuleleLady]

Hi Gigi,
I think many of us here are the control freak/perfectionist type, at least I am/was. I like how you mention surrender and acceptance. There is no struggle in surrender.

Some of the things that helped me in the beginning were: automatic gratitude writing, daily affirmations (check out Louise Hay "heal your body" - lots of good diarrhea and colitis affirmations) and I made a vision board with healthy bodies/ torsos/ words. This all brought me a lot of peace. But acceptance and mindfulness take daily practice for me, so I have to keep up with all my tools.

But on food, I agree with jean, keep it simple. It will get better.

Hugs,
Nancy

[tex]

Hi Gigi,

Yep, you are definitely one of us. Like the rest of us, you seem to have inherited the genes (and the family characteristics) that can be found in virtually all of us here in this group. Here's a copy of a post that I wrote back in April in the Welcome to Newbies section. Note especially the second paragraph:

Though microscopic colitis is considered by the medical community to be a "benign" disease (meaning that it does not normally lead to a fatal outcome), it is in fact, a very complex disease, with life-altering consequences. Controlling the symptoms of MC is by no means easy, but it is doable, with or without medical intervention. Living with the disease is sort of like trying to get all of our ducks in a row, at the same time, and keeping them in line, against all odds. If even one of them is out of line, we tend to have symptoms.

It’s interesting to note that based on the diverse backgrounds of all of the members of this discussion board, we do not appear to be simply a cross-section of the general population. Instead, the demographics suggest that we tend to be perfectionists, overachievers, and “control freaks”. What does this imply? To me it suggests a primary reason why stress appears to be a dominant factor in our development of the disease. And after we suddenly discover that we are no longer in complete control of every aspect of our life, we tend to panic and/or become depressed, as our stress level is even further amplified.

Virtually all of us seem to go through that stage, before we learn to shift down a gear or 2, and we begin to take life a day at a time (or an hour at a time, if necessary). We certainly don't just stop doing everything, but we find that life is a lot easier if we cut ourselves some slack, and we stop trying to live up to the high standards that we may have set for ourselves prior to MC. IOW, we learn to be underachievers, and the goal of perfection in everything we do drops off our radar. We learn to control the parts of our life that we can control, and we do our best to stop worrying about the parts over which we have no control. We learn to just ride out the storm, and look forward to the things that we will do after we get our life back, and we just go with the flow until we reach that point. And we will reach that point, if we are willing to take control of our treatment program, and do what we have to do to heal our inflammed digestive system.

So we strive to eschew perfection, and tip-toe around stress, because clearly, they are not our friends. And guess what? As our stress level goes way down, and our treatment program has time to work, our symptoms soon begin to fade.

MC changes the rules of the game. That doesn't mean that we have to let it completely control our life, but it does mean that we have to accept it, and respect it (something that is very difficult to do at first, because we despise the disease, and it's tough to respect something that we despise), and it means that we have to develop a plan for reorganizing our life around it. Developing a reorganization plan doesn't have to be done immediately of course, because it will come naturally, as we slowly get our health back and continue to heal.

But worrying about all that now, and worrying about what others are doing, and what we would like to be doing (but are unable to do, at the moment) is counterproductive, and can only increase our stress level. And more stress is the last thing we need, because stress is the culprit that struck the match that lit the fire that ignited the inflammation in our gut in the first place, and initiated the cascade of events that led up to our development of MC.

We have to focus on what we can do — not on what we cannot do, and likewise, we have to focus on the foods that we can still eat and enjoy, not on the foods that are now toxic to us, and are no longer a part of our lifestyle. Research shows that the genes that predispose to these food sensitivities were triggered when the genes that predispose to MC were triggered, and that’s why we have suddenly become sensitive to foods that we have been happily eating all of our life up to this point. So now we find ourselves in a very unfamiliar situation.

This is similar to moving to a different country (or even a different planet) — while we enjoyed our life in the past, that life is now out of reach, and we have to concentrate on establishing a new life under new rules. But the good news is that while we always tend to automatically dread change (especially when the change is against our will), surprisingly, many of us find that we eventually reach a point where we are much happier now, than we were in the past. And we appreciate life more now, than we did in the past. That may be difficult to understand now, but hopefully you'll see what I mean at some point in the future, after you get your life back.

As one of the world's foremost philosophers (Gabes) would say, we have to embrace the disease, because it is now an integral part of our life, for better or for worse, and the sooner we come to terms with it, the sooner we are able to get on with the task of getting our life back. Yes, there is definitely life after MC, and that life is as enjoyable as we choose to make it.

You've received some excellent responses, because all of us can recognize a bit of ourselves in your words. And Cindy, your daughter's pre-school teacher, whether she realizes it or not, is clearly one of the most highly qualified educators in the world. She truly "gets it". Awesome post in general, by the way.

But Jean is right on target — we have to learn how to become ex-overachievers and ex-perfectionists, if we are to get our lives, our health, and our happiness back. And though it seems paradoxical in the extreme, instead of hating the disease and fighting it, we have to embrace it and even learn to love it, because when we do so, we tend to discover wonderful things about ourselves and others, that we were previously unaware of. It's a convoluted path, but the path leads to happiness and understanding. But like understanding the disease in order to treat it, one has to have MC in order to also understand and appreciate what it teaches us.

Tex

[nerdhume]

Gigi,
I, too, have always been a perfectionist & over achiever. Many of us are and can relate to your post.

What bothers me most about this disease is not being able to plan things in the future. Still not really sure how I will feel from one day to the next. So I have no control over my own schedule....not good for a control freak. I still have lists to remind me to check my other lists, but many days I just don't have the energy to get much done.

We all have each other for support and encouragement. Hang in there and it will get easier to figure out what to eat.

[MaggieRedwings]

Gigi,

You are not alone - I felt so like you and have finally come to the realization, after many years, to just let it go. I too am an over-achiever, perfectionist and planner to the point of absurdity. The KISS method is pretty much my mantra now - Keep It Simple Stupid. Not that you are stupid by any means. Your post was something I needed to see to reaffirm my loss of control.

Maggie

[humbird753]

Hi Gigi,

What you are feeling/thinking is common. We have all been there. It does improve over time.

Jean, thank you for your comment - simplify. I tried to "understand" all of it when I first came here. It was an impossible task for me. I know I've said it many times, but I'll repeat it - I didn't even know what gluten was! So, trying to fully understand it was pretty overwhelming. I then did as your statement said. I simplified my diet, and took one day at a time.

Paula

[ldubois7]

Gigi,

What we can't do is compare ourselves to others that don't have MC. When we look around we see 'normal' people who can eat whatever they want, and that makes us feel like freaks.

I remember walking through the grocery store, and looking around and thinking how isolated I felt because everyone I saw was able to eat almost everything in the store, and I was not....it's a daunting feeling.

As others have mentioned, find a few foods that you can tolerate, and just eat those for now. Eat many small meals throughout the day, if you can, to give your digestive tract a break.

It's a foreign feeling to you right now, but you will accept this next stage in your life, and learn to embrace it. Trust me, after 2 years with this disease, it does get easier.

Hang on!!!

[DebE13]

Gigi, I can relate to feeling backed in a corner..... You aren't alone in your feelings and your perfectionism. I like Jean's suggestion. It's hard to let go but as you do decide some things /ideas aren't worth holding onto, it's very liberating. The realization that this will be a life-long challenge has prompted me to try harder to let go. A lifetime could be a very long time. I continue to seek everything to be "just so" but have allowed that standard not to apply to EVERYTHING.

Jean, I thought about trying just one food but don't you get hungry? I'm struggling with what I've narrowed down to because I get ravished both before lunch and dinner. There were a couple times I skipped eating because the thought of eating the same food one more time made my stomach turn.

[JFR]

Jean, I thought about trying just one food but don't you get hungry? I'm struggling with what I've narrowed down to because I get ravished both before lunch and dinner. There were a couple times I skipped eating because the thought of eating the same food one more time made my stomach turn.

Deb - When I was eating only ground lamb all that mattered to me was to stop the nearly constant watery D. I was living in the bathroom. I don't really remember if I was hungry. I just needed to get some semblance of a life back, like the ability to take the dog for at least a short walk or pick up my granddaughter from school.

Jean

[Tkdmama]

So now I feel out of place because I have always been laid back, easygoing, no sweat, make a mistake and just start over type. Maybe that plus my procrastination factor caused my diagnosis to take almost 20 years!

Since I'm not so precise and perfectionist, I have to keep in the front of my mind that what I have to keep doing is taking care of myself. My GI just put me on a short course of prednisone (ugh, I know), but I'm taking this opportunity to focus on serious self care to hopefully obtain and maintain remission. A clean, AIP diet, plenty of sleep and exercise. I think this approach of "self care" can work for both the perfectionist and non-perfectionist types that we are. Never give up!

[Gigi]

I want to thank all who have responded with suggestions and encouragement. I was in a bit of a funk when I made that post. Much of the time I'm looking at this with the perspective that it is an opportunity to become healthier than I have been in a long time. But I do get impatient with the process. If I KNEW for sure what would work I'd would follow it religiously. It's all this trial and error that I find disheartening and downright exasperating.

With me, my symptoms are really not bad. Being gluten free has made a remarkable difference in my energy level and general sense of well being and I feel mostly just normal. I have had chronic headaches my entire life and they seem to have subsided. I have to give some credit for that, however, to seeing a chiropractor who specializes in upper cervical. It's that damn normal, formed bm that is so elusive. It just won't happen. But mostly I only have1 or 2 loose watery events every morning. So motivation to eat nothing but a few foods is not very high. That just sounds really hard to me. Now if I was living in the bathroom then I would probably try that tactic out of desperation.

One shout out to Cindy. I agree, my perfectionist tendencies are probably rooted in fear. In this case, a fear that my bowel will never function normally again and the MC could spiral out of control. Thank you for pointing that out.

I'm awaiting my Enterolab results. And speaking of fear, I'm afraid the results will leave me with nothing to eat! I'm sure I'll be back here posting when I get the results.

[tex]

Tkdmama,

I'm not so sure that you are so different. I was/am one of the world's worst procrastinators. I tend to start projects and then put off completing them for eons. I suspect the reason lies in the fact that I'm not satisfied until it's done right, and that's a disincentive for working on them. IOW, now, instead of bearing down on projects to get them completed, I spend much more time thinking through all the possible solutions, rather than physically trying various options. The brain works best when it has plenty of rest time to concentrate on concepts at a subconscious level, so that fits right in with procrastination. But the point is, when I finally get around to completing a project, if I don't consciously force myself to lower my sights a little, I won't be satisfied until it's "perfect". Old habits are hard to break.

Your comment that you are a "make a mistake and just start over type" suggests that you are also a perfectionist, albeit possibly a more relaxed perfectionist than many of us, but still a perfectionist. Otherwise you would just try to patch or smooth over the mistake and keep going.

Despite what you say, if you weren't an aggressive over-achiever, TKD wouldn't even be a part of your vocabulary, let alone such an important part of your life. It's the reason why you have the luxury of feeling easygoing and laid back, the rest of the time.

Tex